On Making Changes.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم 
Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :)
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I seriously need to make this year as a year of change. Accept changes, create changes. Good ones, ofcourse. Well, you can't stay relax, yknow.. Few of the changes have been listed. This should be fun :) just little ones should be okay, at least I have something to do :)

But that isn't the reason why I write this post.

Last night, idk what sorcery casted on Zauji that he suddenly asked me to go salam my parents before I go to bed and if possible hug them both. Wanna know my reaction? That freaking give me heart attack and there I was, roaming in my room like a total bimbo, thinking of how should I do it -salam my parents.

First, I wasn't nurtured to do such thing. It's weird for me. We don't even hug each other in this family. It's not the ambient. You know, you've met this kind of family, right? No, don't get me wrong. We are perfectly happy, I have happy parents with very annoying quiet lil bros. But our parents rarely hug us or kiss us. I think it's only once a year that they kiss us HAHAHAHA. That is, during Eid. But still, we're perfectly happy :) 

Second, being me, anak sulung, I grew up being the rebellious one. Oh yes, I love to admit that so people won't think I'm easy HAHAHAHA! But Zauji and those who know me from the other side of me, they know I have a very fragile side. I cried so easily. I don't do things people ask me to do if I don't wanna do it. I'm so sensitive (sometimes) that when you raise your voice to me, I weep. I don't really know how to act all sweet with my family (cousins, aunties n uncles not included bcz I hugged them all like my teddy bears HAHAHA). Weird isn't it? I feel much comfortable to hug my extended family. Reason? They are all so friendly. They still think I'm 5 y/o or something. They are simply awesome because they don't make faces when I hug them.

No, I am not saying that my family isn't awesome but it's not the 'thing' we do in my family. I am the same person when I'm with my extended family and friends. All hyper, I hug them like very the suka hati when I want, I lean on their shoulder when I'm sleepy, I asked them to suap like ALL the time, I poke them while they are so focus with their work that they went melatah and I lari like tak cukup tanah after that (oh my english..) etc etc..


When I'm home, I can't do those things. I was asked to behave like a grown up girl. No suap, no manja2, no poking, no soalan cepumas, no random me-things etc. My brothers are the quiet ones. I even ask them to talk, yknow!!! Sigh, weird kids. But man, when they talk, they sure talk a lot that I feel like fainting.. 

So, hugging and salam-ing before going to bed isn't our 'thing'.

But last night, as Zauji forced me to do it, I managed to compile my boldness, go downstairs and salam my parents. God knows what happened next HAHAHA. Oh yes, I ran upstairs, locked my door, weeping like a lil girl to Zauji -____-" He had to listen to me while I wept. Poor sweetheart, but still my sweetheart :')

Why I cried? Simply because :
 - I feel tremendous amount of ego shot down last night, 
- It was a new thing for me that I have to do EVERY SINGLE DAY AFTER THIS
 (when I'm home, of course), 
- Witnessing the response from my parents was overwhelming I couldn't describe the feeling of.. idk.. mixture of feelings, perhaps. 


I carry the responsibility as the first child of the family. My lil brothers are doing so well in their study while I, on the other hand, are pacing my way to follow their achievements. It's not the position in the family that define who I am, it's about what I dare to do to make a change to this support system of mine. So, no matter what is your position, always always always, make good changes, peeps. A family is a support system that keeps you going. It's like your lung, heart and liver. Very vital to the extent where these fundamental organs make us function well. 

I may not have the most perfect family in public eyes, but in the eyes of The Giver of this life (that is, Allah), this is the perfection I deserve. It's a definite lie if I envy not those whose parents hug em, kiss em etc, but that's the thing I'd rather keep to myself. I can't really do anything about it. You don't understand this, perhaps. Unless, you're in the same situation. I'll hug my parents when I want, I won't do it frequently. It's so weird when I'm the only one who are ardent and they make weird faces HAHAHAHA!


But I'm glad I did :)

The thing that had me go downstairs and do this is describe by one quote..

"You'll never know when are you going to lose the ones who meant the world to you"

When the day that I am no longer here in this world arrives, someone has to tell my parents how much I respect them both for raising us so well that we didn't grow up being among those wasted kids even though they didn't hug and kiss us HAHAHA!! 

To my dearest parents,
I may not be the best, but I am the best of what Allah has given to you. And without any doubt, you guys are the best I deserve to get. I don't mind to be raised like this, I am still me. I am so grateful for being me. That is, by how you both taught me. For all the imperfections in this family are gifts from Allah whereby I could learn and apply to my future family. I'd be a good mother, I know :p don't worry, Mak Ayah. Anis will take a very good care of myself and my future. Allah has been with me all the time. I believe that your prayers have been blessing my life too. I have Adam, you know :) I hope this is your prayer too. I mean, I expect you guys to pray for a good soulmate for me. Yes, for the time being, I found him :) he's the one who help to change slowly. I know when I'm not around anymore, you both will be reading this space of mine. So, I feel so honored to let you both know how Adam and I are struggling for a stable future. He's a good guy, Mak.. He can protect me, Ayah.. :')


Above all, I thanked Allah for everything that was borrowed to me in this life. I am a lucky girl. I have parents who rarely bicker and adorably bicker over little things and cuddle in front of me, lil bros who always give me extra pahala by being patient with them, a boyfriend who is so charming and one of the best unexpected gift from Him, best friends who act like bimbos but still rational and act matured.


Ahh, my life is awesome :')
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Thanks sayang, I love you always.. :)

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