On Life and Its Frustrations

I haven't been blogging lately. Surely I don't know what have gotten into me. Study has been a drab. If you asked me to sit for final exam now, I would have been kicked out from the college right after the result is published. Sigh.. Kinda have to admit that when the final exam is near, I am freaking out. I just gotta do lots of things. To revise, to read, to memorise. Goshhh, I have forgotten my first chapter of chemistry for this sem. Such a short term memory.. I've seen my girls in class are striving hard. Fyi, my class are listed among the best class for PDT. We have 4 people with astonishing result. They got 4 flats, you know.. BIG SHAME ON ME. Well, I don't study hard enough hahahaha obviously. Now I feel like collapsing. Final is on April 22. I have another one month to err.. struggle, they say. I can foresee myself crying while studying hahahaha. I seriously am in minor depression actually. You see, there are times in class that I would tear a bit thinking of can I do this like everyone else? I think too much perhaps. Having low self-esteem won't help either. 

I just don't know what I should do to eradicate things in me. Well, it's semester 2 now and I have found my comfort zone. Example, postponing my works only to do something wasting with my roomies, gossiping etc. Gosh, I feel sleepy all the time, that's another thing. I do not know whether my result will get better or worst. Judging from the way I put my focus on study now, I conclude an epic failure hahahaha. 

Another one month left. What should I do? Im such a mess now. Postponed works to be submitted next week. There are lots of works, you know. Tutorial, exam questions, mind maps. Strong minds are those who see problems as opportunity. I always teach myself that when my days suck, it is The Grace of Allah. He sent me such tension to remind me, to develop, to punish me so that I learn. Who knows from the works that I've postponed I could have actually revised back :) 

Whatever I do behind this space, may He forgives me.

When I first entered KMS, I have no vision. I just enter and see how things roll. I know it's an education institution but beside formal education, what else could this place brings the best of out me. What can I become. Things like that. One thing I could thanked Allah above all is how this place brings me closer to Him despite little naughty things I do. This place isn't my norm. Being in matriculation, I bet everyone knows how the system works. I had people saying "kamu budak matriks mesti pandai kan" or they give me bright faces and say "waa budak matriks". I honestly don't understand that hahahaha. I am not doing A-level, IB or stuffs-for-brilliant-gems like that. Or is it just me who thinks that matriculation is just ordinary? Idk. 

(Oh I've been doing a lot of  'I don't knows' these days. Living proof that I am reckless)

I knew I had to face the rival here. The attitudes of people around me which is testing my patience to the highest level ever. I knew I had to mix in. I need good results to be among them, to qualify myself to be in  top uni in Malaysia. I just have this thought that all of those things suck. I hate rival. I am so passive, I know hahahahaha. You see, I love rival among classmates but to face to self-centered creatures is just pain in my ass. Sorry to say but they aren't family. I befriended and mingled more with my other girls from other courses. I just can't go lepak with people who brag and try to put others down without giving them some GENUINE moral supports. No help, nothing.

When things like this happened, I always coax myself by saying "You've been selfish to everyone around you before you enter KMS, so face this. All of these were you.. Deal with it." All I can do when nobody in class are helping me in study, is to go mengadu to Him since I have nobody to listen to. It's a pain when you really need someone to teach you but they just ignore or recklessly teach you or can't stand with how slow your brain is. I somehow feel like matriculation isn't my place. I would go back to my room, try to comprehend this kind of test He gave me. If I just couldn't stand it, I would cry. 

I know, it's semester 2 and I should have settled in, but things are different for every semester. The tests, the tasks are tougher, so situation aren't simple. There are days that I kept quiet and lecturers would ask whether Im okay or not and I would just smile and say "Yes mam, Im all good".. Fact is, nobody will bloody gives a damn about what you are dealing in life. It's your freaking problem, solve it yourself. As I grow up, I just have to tolerate with myself that whenever problems arise, the first person to point my finger to is the reflection I see when I stand in front of the mirror. To blame myself for everything and correct things inside me is the main struggle. Often did I ask Him of what else should I be doing to be like them?

The only answer I got from Him is to jaga masa. Time is really super important for students. Basically for everyone. I am not among those who are fast in learning, so it's a bit of struggle there. Im all good in memorizing but I have short term memory lost -___-" Sometimes if you asked me what I wore last night, I would give you 10 minutes of waiting :p 

With this tiny business I try to balance with my study, I just need to act serious. No time to sit and relax actually. I need to memorize a lot, need to think of how should I develop my business so I have satisfied customers. Gosh, some people aren't helping though :( again, it's the matter of time. I just have to admit that when they ignore, that is agony. That excruciating pain, often brings out the monster inside me. All grumpy and moody, I would sit down and just hold the pain in my chest. The feeling when you feel like something heavy are burdened above you. All suffocated inside and teary outside. So fragile, so weak.. Somehow, I do feel like blaming and cursing everyone if possible but that is weaker. I am tired to face shits like that. I tried to calm myself but the things keep coming back and burn me down. Burn my inner peace.. I do not want to hold grudges. But sigh, *cries a river*.

A month left. I need to get better CGPA. I need to make profits. I need to stand on my own. I need to wake up not thinking about anything but me and Him. Despite all the sins I did or am doing or will do, I just hope there's a way out. I need to stop looking at how others are progressing but start being content and happy. It's the contentment within me that defy my inner peace. I need to stay cool and patient. I need to keep smiling when my days suck to bits. I need to smile to those who hurt me. I need to fake a smile to heal. I need to sound happy so they don't bother to ask and annoy some parts of me which think those concerns are bullshits fake. I need to give as much kindness as I can to those who hurt me to the core, those who left me helplessly, those who run away when I ask for help, those who ignore me when I needed answers to my curiousity, those who fake their concerns, those who don't care that I exist, those who blame me for the things I didn't do, those whose eyes solely recognize the negativity in me, those creatures.. they deserve kindness. I need to care not when nobody is there. I need to always always smile for He knows..

You know when you have to tolerate with those creatures, you feel the pain within you. You just have to fight and make it habitual. No scars last forever, but the pain hurts till your very last breath. Remember those who have helped you to create a smile, inner peace and contentment. Those who make your days with little things they do. Those who silently praying for you..

Wherever 'you' are, may Allah reward you.

I need to stop now. I'll be blogging back to effuse all the shits and fortunes.
Take care my non existent reader(s).


aivimivi said…
We are having some problems, my dear. Aku doakan we will be doing fine.
Rabbi Yassir wa'ala tu'assir.
Nesayang said…
Sigh.. nak jumpa :(
gila stress.

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