WEEK 8 / Final Sem

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

It has been so long since the last time I updated this blog via laptop. Kinda miss it though. life has been... well, pretty challenging for me. Truly challenging. Last sem result was disastrous, left my purse at home and had to starve myself, Nenek was admitted because she ate nothing for weeks, Idk why.  Had few personal issues that are very torturing. Had to deal with the fact that I lost friends, technically. Had to deal with the fact that someone betrayed me. Checked my MUET result and it wasn't as remarkable as people expected. Basically, I am at the pinnacle of downfall. I am still wondering what the heck is wrong with me. My momentum has been drowning since last semester. Everything is very frustrating. I had hard time trying to be redha and move on from what Allah has written for me. Yes, still struggling.

It's easy to say "you need to move on fast, got future awaits", but what is the essentials that I need to fathom for myself to be able to move on? No, to get up actually. Seriously, Im losing focus. Idk which is wrong. Study method? or my time management? or my determination? or my confidence? or my sincerity? Idk what I should know. Idk what Idk. Im all screwed up, you know. It's my freaking final semester!!!!!!! Im facing the toughest semester and I need to get up. But how? Idk where is the problem.

First, it's me.
gosh, now I have tears in my eyes... Im 20 now, this is my only chance to enroll IPTA. Yup I want to be in IPTA because financially, I dont wanna be a burden to my parents. My one and only chance. Arghh, how should I interpret this feeling into words? T_T I want this so badly more than I want GoPro or travelling or whatever. I want to be a university student. My SPM result failed to qualify me. I depend solely on my final CGPA in matriculation. Now I think that all of those quotes or sayings that I used to read to motivate me are testing me in reality. I used to merely read them, now Im facing it. Arghhh, what is this??? *cries*

I think I was :
- doing my works half-heartedly. The asal boleh attitude that I used to have during school days is haunting me now. Idk why do I have such attitude. Lack of motivation? or Im starting to be in my comfort zone again? I take both. Sigh..
- rushing. Damn yes, everyday. Too much to revise, to submit, to fathom, to memorise that Im losing my momentum slowly. Need to sort these shits in my head before I have no momentum at all. :(
- lack of confidence and creativity. Frankly, I always feel sad with the fact that sometimes when I ask questions to people, they just ignore me. Say, if I dont understand how to apply Saytzeff's rule in the mechanism of dehydrohalogenation of 1-methyl-2,4-bromopropane (contoh la), I'll ask people and they'll teach back half-heartedly or they'll simply buat tak dengar. Then, I'll start thinking that these people bla bla bla bla, Im alone, screw this bla bla bla, I hate this bla bla bla.. do later ah.. bla bla bla.. lajunya semua org.. aku slow.. yadayadayada.. At the end, I didn't realize that all these lead to the lack of confidence that is piling up now in myself. This is hurting me, seriously.

Idk where to start, people.
Im lost. I forgot how I had my confidence during semester 1 & 2.

I really need to get up, so badly. I hit the ground and crashed devastatingly. Im all screwed up now and I need to start from scratch. I need to clear this shit from my mind. I need to sort my works. I need to ignore the world and just focus at myself. I need to be alert. I need to be happy sincerely. I need to stop comparing myself with others, I compare myself enough that I shot down my confidence and I dont need people to compare myself with others which apparently is not helping at all. Comparing is good, sometimes the timing is just bad. This is possible, nisa. Trust yourself though people dont. Only you can trust yourself wholly. Chin up, nisa. Tears arent for the weak but too much of tears, drown you, kill you. Look forward, keep moving forward. Sort your works and notes. Make schedules. Control your emotion. Ignore the world.

Dear Allah, please have mercy. I know You gave all these things because I am already floating everywhere and starting to lose myself, You wanted to remind me. You gave this because You trust me. Dear Allah, show me which way should I take, what should I do, what or who should I delete, Im totally lost here... :(

I crashed devastatingly...


Love,
Anisah Ishak.

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