بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family.
have you ever felt inside you that you wanna pour it all out yet you don't how or to whom? have you ever felt so messed up inside? have you ever felt like all the things you did aint worth anything? have you ever felt you wanted to be heard but scared that the judgmental remarks might ripped out your sanity? have you ever felt that something good hurts you so bad? have you ever felt like you wanted to cry out everything but you hold that feeling and that freaking hurt you to the core? have you ever blame yourself for all the reasons behind that feeling? have you ever felt so guilty that you feel like giving up? have you ever look up to the sky and question everything? have you ever walk in an occasion full with the people you love but yet you feel inadequate of total joy? have you ever felt like sometimes you wanna stand up for yourself but you dont know how? have you ever felt like you dont wanna depend on people? have you ever felt so suffocated inside that you force yourself to sleep and wake up not remembering what happened yesterday? have you sit alone and ask what have you done to yourself? have you ever try to tell but yet you stutter and left the words unsaid? have you ever been so patience that you let people take away your bliss of freedom? have you wish for god to be next to you literally? you wish He would send you angels and wipe your tears? have you ever felt that terrible? or have you came back from a long tiring day and everything sucks and your rumble for that special friend you called 'teddy', give it a hug and you lay next to it, tell it everything and without realization, you cried yrself to sleep? have you ever feel like you wanted to explain but deep inside you know your explanation aint gonna help much? have you ever looked into those people's eyes, those who love you, and yr eyes pooled bcz you feel like you cant do anything for them? have you ever looked through a picture and had flashback of everything? have you ever tell yourself that you're nothing and you feel what you have gone through was pointless? have you ever looked in the reflection in the mirror and you feel so disgusted? have you ever try to get up and catch that positive vibe but something else knocked you down? have you ever walked in the rain, alone, you wish you could stay that way forever bcz it was so joyful that his blessings were literally poured on you? have you ever stand by the window of a tall building, looking at his grace and yr eyes pooled? have you ever wish that god will take a very good care of those people when you're gone? have you ever ask god when will your time come? have you? have you ever succeed to hide the fact that you were crying 3 minutes ago when somebody noticed the sadness in your eyes? have you ever wanted to hug someone, just a hug, a few warm strokes and fall asleep, wake up in heaven maybe? have you ever ask god to show you the way but god didnt answer and that broke yr heart? have you ever count your breath -god's answer, and cry? have you ever been so into the world that it takes yr bliss slowly? have you ever had a flashback of faces of people who have done so much for you yet you did nothing for them? have you ever gaze at the stars and pray that god is literally looking at you with love when you were crying? have you ever felt like disconnecting? have you ever felt like you wanted to be someone's good wish? have you ever had a conflict with yourself and with people around you at the same and you dont know what to do? have you ever try to run away? have you felt like somebody at the other side of the world is praying for your peace? have you ever wish to meet that person? have you ever had days when you just felt like things have gone mad and you felt like breaking apart bcz you cant think outside the box? have you ever needed help but nothing came? have you ever weep while trying to get your duties done? have you ever felt so small when people mock you though they were joking? have you ever told yourself that you were too sensitive? have you ever realize that you did that too much that people think it's okay to 'step' on you and mock you bcz you seemed heartless? have you ever been guilty to somebody and you waited for that somebody to settle in and you wanted to apologize but you knew you were going to be rejected? have you ever coax yourself while you were crying, you knew you were lying to yourself, and that hurts you more, but you keep coaxing? have you ever wish that you could alter things that had happened?
all these while, i can not comprehend the way to success. in terms of anything. my heart was blind that i refused to share, that i refused to give, that i refused to consider. i am 19, i wish i could realize stuffs before it's too late. before i raise my own children. before i could ever make big decisions. i can not fathom the act of sharing a bit or going for extra mile. i can not fathom the fact that i was wrong and people are right. i dont even know whether i will, in future. i do not understand few things in life. i wish i was taken away. it hurts when i can not consider, i can not give, i can not share. it hurts when you realized that it was the thing that you need to do to be free. you need to give more than you could ever imagine, to receive things that you can imagine. to receive love is to give love. i thought i knew it all. i knew i had a very own battle. a battle to give. to share. to consider. the inability to do those things were inside me and i didnt let it go. as age grows, i needed more, hence giving more was the struggle. i didnt notice that i wasnt giving anything. i wasnt contributing anything. i was, i am arrogant.
i wanted so much things yet i have no idea of what are the fundamental stuffs i need. the world is corrupted. i wish rasulullah s.a.w is here. he would tell us how to live our lives.
seeing corrupted stuffs that i myself am not sure of the certainty had pushed me just a bit to search for what needed to be changed. your whole life, what happened to be the norm. when you can finally see that the norm needed to be changed, you wish you understand what you need to do. i wish i am. right now. our lives have its own way to resolve. we face different things, we have different sense of realization. i wish i could realize and see it through.
i cry and pray. though crying a thousand times wont solve stuffs, but it helps to soften my heart for things that people cant endure. if i am certain that one day, my patience is my strength, i hope i find my way. i hope i am willing to share.
i hope i'll be good.
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