BOLD & SEPET

I read a post on FB saying that there will always be  one person who will really secretly care about you, then I shared the post and said "thank you if you are still there" Idk to whom did I dedicate that post to. But if there is a person, someone or a bunch of people who care about me silently, not letting me know, I just wanna say thank you so much.. I may not know y'all but Allah is watching your sweet gesture from above. I hope He will bless y'all with abundance of joy and ease in the world and hereafter. Plus, to whoever that still check this blog just to know what am I up to (in a good way lah, duh), may Allah bless y'all too for your concern though not constantly, I cant repay it, but I hope Allah will. I may overlooked these people, but I hope Allah wont.

Being bising and cheerful is hard. It's hard cz just when you need your me-time to sit at a corner silently and think about stuffs, people thought something is wrong with you and you're not okay. I mean, it is mostly true tho, but sometimes I just dont feel like being cheerful and I wish people know that I myself, freaking know how to get tired of being lively and cheerful, so yeah, I do know how and when to be quiet and stay calm. Haha! But at time when I do have things to think, I just keep mum. I dont say much and I found inner peace by doing so. Nevertheless, it's still hard. I do have things in my mind right now, worrying about future and whatnot, I just hope Allah protect me always from things that He dislike.

at some point today i was thinking when will all these struggles end, when will i get to do what i wanna do, all these left me at the point where im bewildered by what i wanna do and what is in front of me. all of these pains, will it hold me from moving forward? i dont know anymore. i am being really ignorant these days. day 1 was okay. i used iMac for the first time. wobbly hands. i hope my thesis will go well. ah final year is really freaking me out.

Aku tengah study GBS sambil dgr Ustaz Ebit Lew live. Menarik kuliah dia dkt FB harini. Cerita pasal bantuan Allah dan keyakinan kita pada Allah. Baru tadi masa tolong Ayah basuh pinggan lepas dinner, aku terfikirkan sesuatu. Sesuatu yg aku rasa mcm sebenarnya dah kronik tapi tiada solusi yg di execute. Aku kata dalam hati " mcm mana ye semua ni, something is wrong, there must be something I need to fix this year. But idk where to start. I think I need to get out of this thing, it's dragging me to the flow ". Lepastu just nice je dlm ceramah Ustaz dkt FB Live ni, dia share doa supaya hilang gelisah, malas dan sebagainya etc. Baca setiap pagi petang. dan baca lah selalu : Subhanaka inni zalamtu nafsi faghfir li, innahu la yaghfirudh-dhunuba illa Anta (You are far removed from imperfection I have wronged myself, so forgive me, because none but You can forgive sins) or click me ! Well, Ustaz didnt point out exactly what I should, but he told me what i need. I t...

Rindu. Yg Tuhan cipta utk disalurkan pd benda-benda yg mendatangkan kebaikan pd diri. Rindu pd keluarga. Menenangkan. Baik utk diri. Rindu pd peluang melakukan kebaikan. Rindu pd kenangan yg manis. Yg tuhan cipta kan juga utk di salurkan kembali kpdNya. Supaya kaki tak terlalu tertanam pd dunia, hati tidak ditimbus keseronokkannya. Rindu. Yg satu hari nanti aku harap tersalur dgn betul pada masa yg betul, yg di luahkan utk seseorang yg betul. Dan aku harap di sepanjang menunggu saat yg betul tu, dia di jaga tuhan dgn baik sekali.

Dalam hidup, nak taknak kau kena ada prinsip. Prinsip ni mcm pendirian kau. Mak kata org yg berjaya, pendirian dia tetap. Prinsip dia teguh. Prinsip ni mcm perkara-perkara yg kau pegang. Cth, Ali punya prinsip hidup adalah pantang menyerah sebelum habis mencuba. Contoh prinsip lah tu. Kalau kau nak ada prinsip, make sure ini semua selesai : - prinsip kau tak harm sesiapa kalau tak leh benefit sesiapa - prinsip kau masih bertuhankan Yang Maha Esa Selain drpd dua ni semua bullshit, selfish af punya prinsip. Prinsip aku zaman degree ni adalah sentiasa jujur dlm meletakkan usaha utk dpt segulung ijazah walaupun apa pun resultnya, sebab berkat dan redha Dia yg akan menyelamatkan aku, bukan sekadar cgpa power. Paham? igt kan aku kalau tetiba aku cheating.

Antara rezeki yg aku rasa aku overlooked adalah keberadaan aku bersama insan-insan yang baik. in other words, dikelilingi orang yg baik-baik. entah. mungkin kau pernah terlintas benda ni dlm otak. bagus. tahniah. tapi harini, aku baru tersedar benda ni, sampai tahap menitis air mata aku. peh pehhh syahdu sgt ni. tapi betul. kdg-kdg Tuhan tak bagi kita berada di mana kita nak atas byk sebab yg hanya Dia tahu dan slowly, Dia akan bagi kita faham kenapa kita ada dkt situ (ps: provided that kau stay positive dan berdoa dan berfikir sebelum menjatuhkan konklusi sendiri). contoh: mungkin 3 tahun aku dkt melaka, aku akan sentiasa bersedih bila terkenang yg IB bukan course yg aku nak, tp kalau aku twist mindset aku mcm skrg ni, aku akan nampak yg sebenarnya rezeki Dia nak bg adalah bila mana aku dikelilingi org yg baik-baik. jadi mungkin di situ, Dia tgh slowly mold aku jd org yg baik walaupun aku masih lg bitching around kdg-kdg. hahahahaha. dan itu semua rezeki. demi Allah, itu reze...

Bila satu benda tu asyik berlaku on repeat, aku boleh jadi penat. Solusinya takda. Okay tipu. Ada tapi sukar di implement. Mungkin mcm tu orang yang tabah bangkit semula dari kepayahan hidup. Bila benda tu jadi berulang kali, it became normal to them that they no longer feel anything. Fuh. No longer feel anything. Kadang tak tahu dah nak nangis pada siapa. Aku ni orang biasa, masalah hidup ada je keliling pinggang tapi chill dulu, ada urusan lain perlu diurusan sebelum aku nak meratapi masalah tu semua. Mungkin aku dah mendekati fasa no longer feel anything tu kot. Entah. Air mata masih sama lagi berjurai. Feel sangat la tuh! Dah lah tak yah tanya banyak dekat aku, penat nak jawab, rasa mcm nak kena buat press conference. Lagi satu, Aku mungkin akan consider utk delete blog ni dan semua social media (walaupun aku baru berjinak-jinak dengan IG semula) hanya kerana aku rasa aku takda privacy nak post apa aku suka. Orang sana judge, orang sini menyakat. Eh kepala bana kau lah...

A year ago I had the chance to know someone, a senior here at my campus, who gave advice I never received from anyone. It is really emotional for me tonight because at this moment, I can totally relate to that advice. I remember that night when I received the advice, I was actually being punished for a mistake I was not supposed to do. The advice was so personal. A year later tonight, it resonates in my brain and I cried buckets. I wanna say thanks to that senior. I wish Allah will always bless that senior. Ever since that day, I have never saw that figure again.  Trust me, I never want to be here, to do this again..

Antara benda2 yg sesak kepala aku adalah : 1. repetitive mistake 2. not knowing the right timing when the decision is logically all on me dia punya sesak tu tahap aku rasa mcm aku nak tidur selama seminggu atau pakai earphone dan dengar lagu2 favorite sambil ignore semua orang. Aku ada tendency utk ignore people sejak kebelakangan ni and idk what have I done that all these people still stay. All I know is all praise be to Allah. Byk benda dalam hidup ni memang memerlukan aku utk buat keputusan. Cthnya, samada utk teruskan atau berhenti. Keputusan2 macam ni buat aku rasa terjejas sikit kdg2. I could potentially lose my common sense. Hahaha Annoying tau bila aku dah cuba tak repeat that mistake, tapi aku repeat lagi. Seolah-olah aku kalah lagi dan lagi while I had the chance to win, like I was too closed to win. Annoying shit. Ada masa aku pejam mata, aku mentally paused everything and virtually slit my throat as I recall those mistakes I made. Aku faham, kita...

This year I had to live by this quote. Haritu member aku kata camni dkt aku, "kau ni bukan boleh percaya, ada masalah duk diam je simpan sorang" statement dia buat aku fikir... "aku ada masalah ke?" hahahahaha jadi bongok tiba-tiba. Ada. Aku manusia biasa. Aku ada masalah dlm hidup, tapi kebanyakan nya benda aku tak boleh solve dah. Benda yang sampai satu tahap aku terpaksa be like pegi mampos apa nak jadi, pegi mampos. Byk benda-benda yang buat aku sedih, some of them benda yg sama since years ago, maybe months ago. Benda yg diluar kawalan aku. Ubat yg aku ada cuma nangis dan doa.  Ada masa yg aku rasa tak adil semua tu jadi dkt aku, aku tk peduli Tuhan tu dengar ke tidak, aku nak nangis sampai penat tertidur dan bangun esok lupa asbab aku menangis malam tersebut. Semua sebab sebuah harapan tu penat. Husnuzon tu penat. Positive tu penat. Memang ada masa aku rasa semua yg baik tu penat, aku rasa nak men-syaiton sek...

I had a rough ending last month. - my mirror crashed to the ground, leaving the wood frame scattered, luckily the mirror is fine. - i only had rm2 cash in hand, rm21 in bank, a telur pindang and leftovers serunding daging, so i decided to puasa ganti to curb the mentality that I need to eat but i dont have money  - someone subtly rejected me - debts everywhere  - too sensitive with everyone's comments towards me - my laptop is doomed, didn't function well, fml - i went for theatre audition which i dont feel belonged anymore but then i realized that i keep shutting out everything, fml again - whatsapp still not functioning. Blerghh i wish TaiG would release the latest jailbreak asap, fml. Life is hard without whatsapp. I might need to buy new battery for my S2 bcz it's the only hope for whatsapp but it failed me also by constantly staring back at me with blank screen. Fml. I cried during shower once and I know it's critical that I overthink at th...

Puisi yang aku sendiri tuliskan utk lelaki yang aku suka tapi tak boleh nak miliki sbb secara hakikinya cinta tu bukan memiliki. mencintai ciptaanNya memang memerlukan aku utk sedar dekat mana posisi aku, baik di sisi dia, apatah lagi di sisi tuhan. utk cinta yang jauh, baik-baik dekat sana. baik-baik jaga dia. aku dah confess walaupun aku tahu level tak terbalasnya cinta tu mmg tinggi. tapi aku kena steady, sbb esok lusa masih byk nak kena tempuhi. nanti lah aku cerita lagi. baca dulu puisi ni. --------------------------------------- I could be yours, we could be together. Your smile, your poise and our laughter. Bring back those memories that makes me shudder. They keep me sane, they keep me stronger. Maybe i could be yours if we try a little harder, but you belong to her and i belong to the Creator. Maybe distance sucks but if we try a little harder, we thrive and finally break the barrier. Maybe that smile could be the reason that i keep do...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  This morning I realized that I am not that person who can hold anger for so long but I get angry very veryyy quickly and random. Oh dear estrogen, dont fudge me. Aku, macam manusia lain, get mad pretty quickly. Aku, seperti manusia lain, bukan manusia paling sabar. Tapi aku, percaya setiap orang ada satu atau lebih points atau situasi yg kesabaran kita boleh tersebar dan berfungsi terus secara automatik. Ada certain situasi, tidak. Ada certain situasi, yes I get angry terus. How do I react when Im angry? - bising membebel - diam menjeling - mencarut kalau dah takda sabar dah - tidur kalau dah tahap menangis tahan marah lol hahahaha Tidur ni mmg ubat sementara paling mujarab pernah aku cuba. Letak kepala, terus settle beb. Kadang-kadang aku jadi confused. Tak marah kang, engko bijak kepala aku. Dah marah kang, engko kata aku serious sangat. Kesudahannya, I do what I wanna do. Takda orang lah yg nampak cantik atau handsome dal...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  I was watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 Ep 5 when I realized that Grey's Anatomy is about Meredith GREY. The freaking last name is the title of this series and I was watching episode 5 mashaAllah lembap siak otak aku blerghhhhh. I had a good loud laugh at myself. Totally. Hahahaha. Anyway, talk about life principle. I just update this because I was reading tweets by twt_lelaki, he talked about bersihkan meja sendiri dkt kedai makan and I saw a tweet about adik Erin Malek sailang bff dia punya bf (wallahu a'lam). 1. Real women empower/support one another, to me, they are classy and high standard that way. 2. I prefer to clean up the mess I made before leaving a restaurant. At least, stack up the plates and cawan. rains Firstly, you know it's true. You get it. You know the rational, the perks, the benefit, why you hold to it and so on, which actually made you deemed to think that it is what everyone should hold to too. You ...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  What if I stop blogging for years or never come back? What if you see me in the real world differently? What if this blog is to be deleted any time soon? What if my stories end here? What if blog and Nisa are not synonym anymore? What if I stopped writing things everywhere? Nothing happened, Im just bored with what I am currently doing, my bachelor study. At this point aku mcm dah takda benda menarik nak tulis, baik dekat blog or journal. No inspiration at all. 21 and still not doing something Im really passionate about. Well yeaa sure we cant get all that we want but we surely can do something to change the path right? Like do something to pursue something we really like, right? God, send me some inspiration. I hope I'll find my way to do what I wanna do. I hope all of you will pray for me, for my dream to be reality. this girl has so much in her heart she wishes to share it with the world Thank you for readin...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Setiap hari dan makin hari, aku rasa aku caught up dgn worldly things more. The more I asked to be detached, the more I am drawn near it. The more good things I asked, the more mishaps happened. The more I ponder upon how death is anytime soon, the more monstrous I became. They said I looked cheerful but I believe we all have our own fragile spot. That is what makes us human. Dont be afraid to appear fragile, but be afraid when you constantly in denial of your own frailness. Nothing solved with denial.  Mungkin Tuhan cuba nak cakap dekat aku yang my ultimate dependency and reliance is Him, tapi aku masih lagi kejar benda yang tak perlu, uncertain dan berpendirian sombong. Eventually, aku sendiri lost. [sem 3, zaman matriks.] at 2am++ today I was staying outside with my cats, when things got fudged up, I thought about everything, too deep that I weep. Poor cats have to behold such scenery. When the first teardrop rolled down my ch...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  PS : Skrg ni keyboard aku hampeh sket, kalau tetiba huruf 'R' hilang, paham2 lah.  Ini semua perihal bulan lepas : 1. kau tahu tak haritu aku pegi Starbucks, dalam hati mmg niat dah nak keja pat time (dem keyboad), so aku pegi inteview and a week later they accepted me! Aku iv dkt Aeon tapi dorang nak aku dkt Dataran Pahlawan. Haiyoh. Aku tolak the offer. Sad. Cukup je duit Ayah bagi tapi saje nak duit lebih.  Better la dpd aku terhegeh-hegeh dkt Ayah setiap hujung bulan atau pun cari boyfriend kaya lepastu harap boyfriend bayar semua benda. Eh perangai kau. Cantik sgt? Hahahaha tak ah, remember Macbook Pro yg aku nak sgt tu? Ha thats why lah. Plus, aku ada study trip lua negara next year. Wajib pegi. Tak kan nak harap Ayah segala benda. Cukup lah aku ni manja sangat dah dgn Mak Ayah hahaha. 2. Aku quit komander. Again. Bangang. I know. But I cant force myself anymore. Aku rasa semakin tua aku jd semakin rebel pada benda-ben...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  "eh awak teater kan?" "ni la yg pelakon tu" "haah lah!" Kadang-kadang, when life hits you hard that you feel unimportant, trivial, lost and impatient for what seemed to be worthy, God sent you little angels to make you realize that there are people out there who remember what you do, how much you love something, how much effort you put on one thing the world called passion. There comes a day when you feel nothing you do will ever change your sunken fate. You forget that your proclaimed destructive future is just within your mind. It will change once you go outside that border you created. That invisible border. We have borders and hindrances everyday. It is our mind that seemed to be the first. You feel unworthy. You feel all shits summed up your life. Somebody out there will notice you. They'll remember the precious things, the good things inside you. That people might be the ones who never know you. ...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Anisah Fact : aku bukan seorang yang penyabar ----------------- 5 tahun, masih sama lagi. Masih harus jalan kaki, masih harus call taxi, masih harus tebal muka minta orang pick up, masih harus bergantung pada orang lain. Tak, memang tak salah mintak tolong. Tapi aku tak suka, paling tak suka, kena bergantung dkt orang. Apatah lagi nak berharap. Aku tak selesa dan aku tahu segan bila bab minta tolong/pinjam duit (walaupun aku mmg muka tak malu on most things hahaha). Sebab we all know it hurts so bad at the end of the day. Other than that, bila bergantung dkt orang, apa aku nak buat selalu terbatas dan aku tak suka keterbatasan yg remeh. Dlm kepala aku, 24 jam sehari, byk benda aku boleh kasi settle dan bila bergantung dkt orang, progress akan jadi slow. Again, aku bukan penyabar. 5 tahun, aku cukup sabar, cukup tebal muka, cukup kental hati. Orang tak sudi, orang berat hati, orang tarik muka. Aku faham U12 ni bukan...