Married Life & 1st Year Anniversary.
WARNING: LONGGGGG POST.
Hi.
Lama betul aku tak update blog eh. Makin tua makin tak terluah apa yg ada dlm hati. Dulu time sekolah fuhhh rajin blogging.
Anyway, this post will be as the title says.
21.1.2021; First Anniversary with my handsome man :)
Hari ni genap setahun aku jadi Puan Anisah, RASA MCM CEPAT GILA MASA BERLALU, RASA TAK PERCAYA AKU DAH KAHWIN SIAKKK HAHAHAHA NESA DH BESAR DOH, DAH 27 TAHUN THIS YEAR! Anyway, terus kan hidup dengan roommate baru, tempat baru, Segamat Johor. A completely new phase. Jauh dr family and friends kat Shah Alam. Dah nak dekat setahun aku kat bandar kecil ni. A simple life I would say. Cuma bukan rezeki kitaorang sebab tak dapat nak travel for honeymoon due to Covid-19, a pandemic that sucks life outta everyone.
Bulan pertama kahwin, mac 2020, pengalaman pertama jugak utk aku sebab lockdown PKP 1.0 kat rumah mertua dari Mac sampai August 2020. Suka hati aku je bantai tidur lewat, bangun tengah hari kt rmh mil hahahaha! Azizi pun jenis tidur and bgn lambat, aku join lah sekaki.
My experience tinggal kt rumah mertua was just fine. No tragic drama mcm dekat Facebook Kisah Rumahtangga hahaha! Im so thankful sebab Azizi mmg sejenis nak duduk rumah sendiri yg berasingan dgn family. We rented a place, dah byr sewa (RM500/month for a two-storey corner lot low cost house that has been renovated. Not bad kan!!) tp tetiba PKP pulak. Tak sempat nak beli barang2 rumah, so tak move in until August. Patut dah boleh move in bulan June sbb interstate travel ban was lifted already masa tu, but we spent some time balik Shah Alam jumpa family and kwn2 aku dulu, chill a bit then August baru move in rumah sewa.
Kalau kau kahwin, very advisable tinggal rumah sendiri lah. Biar buruk korang each other, korang je nampak. Walau baik or sporting mcm mana pun you think your parents are. Perlu respect privacy perkahwinan tu. Ni bukan tahun 70an.... Ini 2020, personal boundary matters hahaha! Lg pun biasa lah parents mesti ringan mulut nak betul kan anak2, takut ada makan hati ke apa, baik duduk rumah sendiri. Kau nak jd kingkong dlm rumah sendiri sila kan.
Ada je mil aku offer utk tinggal kt rumah dia sbb to her she wanted to help ease our financial burden especially masa PKP businesses can be affected. Azizi has been doing business for 1.5 year now alhamdulillah. But until today, we will always choose nk duduk rmh sendiri. Kalau ada rezeki balik Klang Valley pun aku tknk duduk dlm Shah Alam hahaha! Hidup ni kena berkembang.
His business is doing okay now. Duit tak lah banyak puluh ribu income setiap bulan, tp masih boleh beli barang dapur, barang rumah (we just bought a 55" LG smart tv yg awesome nak mampos!), makan luar yg agak kerap walaupun tak hari2, shopping and shopping (Azizi lg byk shopping, a lie i tell myself hahahaha). Tahun 2021 ni nak kurang kan sikit spend yg bukan2. Beli baju konon nak ootd, tp lupa pulak duduk Segamat; you can be easily overdressed here.....
Nevertheless, aku happy for him, for what he chose to do now. He resigned from Petronas (procurement team), took the risk, balik Segamat and start a business because that's what he enjoys doing since before he met me and I fully support him. He is very charming whenever he's working or brainstorming for his work. There's nothing I wish for him other than I hope his efforts will one day be worth it and that his businesses will continue to grow the biggest it could ever be. As a wife, (masih tk percaya I just typed that), aku sentiasa support dai for as long as bkn business under table involves bribe etc hahaha!
Sepanjang setahun ni jugak I have been trying to adapt semuanya, despite the fact that dalam hati ada masanya aku rasa, idk what's the adjective, takut? Takut what if ni je fasa hidup aku. Like, being a wife. That's all. Like it ends there and all Im gonna be is a wife and then maybe insyaAllah a mother.
Well these thoughts probably came because this whole year I have been unemployed and that made me feel like my life stopped progressing. Tak, bukan nak cakap aku tak happy jadi isteri, SUMPAH AKU HAPPY! Tapi seeing Azizi ada business or his passion to pursue, made me question my existence hahaha! Ini kot namanya existencial crises; where you start to question what the hell are you or will you be doing...
Seeing him and my friends all have career that is progressing made me reallyyyyyy hit rock bottom tbh. Well hidup kita semua ni takda yg sempurna kan. Aku ada marriage yg mashaAllah happy, Azizi yg care for me, tp aku takda kerjaya mcm orang lain. Org lain mungkin ada kerjaya, partner yg baik tp belum sampai seru utk nikah. Or maybe ada org yg ada semua nya, kerjaya, anak, pasangan yg baik tp takda kawan2. Well, hidup kan. Mcm2 corak bila kita makin dewasa.
Berbalik kpd issue unemployment yg aku hadapi setahun ni, mmg ada masa overthinking. What if Azizi and parents aku mati pastu aku tak kerja, tkda income, then aku nak survive guna apa? Daun? hahahaha! Pastu mula lah anxiety crippled in. Rasa risau about sustainability. Hello, aku apply kerja ya. Beratus. Tak pasti knp lepas kahwin ni tak lekas satu pun job. Haritu ada lah interview for procurement position at Ninjavan tp sepi. Muka interviewer lepas tahu aku kahwin tu was not very happy, siap tanya lg dah ada anak ke, r we planning to have baby in the future.
Aku rasa dua benda paling susah sepanjang tahun pertama kahwin ni adalah:
1; tak dapat rentas negeri selalu. we wanna be good citizens, dgr ckp gov, tkda emergency jgn rentas negeri, jgn pergi tmpt sesak, jaga jarak, fikir frontliners kt msia ni and contribute lah kpd pemutusan rangkaian covid-19 satu malaysia. so mmg kena terperap lah dkt Segamat ni, dgn doa semoga family aku sihat belaka selalu aminnn.
2; my unemployment yg dah terlalu lama ni. Tbh kdg2 aku rasa kesian dkt Azizi sbb dlm ekonomi skrg ni dia sorang je kerja. Mmg lah kerja dia seronok sbb dia boss hahahaha tp kerja still kerja la, sakit otak fikir nak sustain business during pandemic ni. Aku nak jugak rasa bg fmly aku duit, beli kan azizi benda2 dia suka mcm kasut lari ke, belanja in laws selalu, roadtrip dgn kawan2. I mean, syukur pd Allah sbb Azizi mampu bg duit utk semua tu, tp mashaAllah entah ah..
Aku rasa takut life aku stopped kat sini as a wife/mother sbb aku rasa I can absolutely be doing more. Tbh dr bulan May 2020, I've had attempts nak start a small business but sampai skrg I haven't launched it yet despite resources dah ada kt rumah ni. Walaupun Im a business grad, deep down aku bukan lah org yg minat business. Org ckp aku pandai ckp, tp my friend, that is not what keeps yr business afloat. You need guts, resilience, strategy, ketabahan hati, smart brain ketelitian for it. Or maybe Im just giving excuses.... hahahaha!
Tp the questions are same; what if tak laku, what if business tk tahan lama, what if business tk berkembang, what if it doesnt pay for what i wanna buy, what if everyone's dead and i have to keep growing my business on my own, alone, scary siak.... and the list goes on.
Everybody needs a big why as to why they do what they do and in order to keep doing what they do for the sake of sustainability. Im just looking for mine... maybe my big whys r giving back to the ppl who gave so much to me; my parents and Azizi. Or maybe Im just absolutely lazy HAHAHAHA :p
Tapi tu lah, even kau dh kahwin sekali pun, yr personal battle is for you alone to fight for. People can give their support but it's you who have to march forward. I've had my dark episodes of crying alone thinking about future, I really hope going into 2nd year of marriage I will finally find my own way of personal growth. I need to find activity, works to fill my time.
I've been spending hours on social media dan aku rasa it made so damn bitter eh hahahaha. I hate the energy. It made me ungrateful jugak bila tgk life org lain, rasa mcm nak meratap apehal aku tk mcm dia. Aku rasa semua org prnh melalui fasa ni kalau prnh spend masa yg byk kat social media. Kau ada rasa mcm syok nya tgk hidup org lain, tp hidup aku knp tk cmtu. Haritu aku terjumpa video ustaz azhar idrus kt tiktok, org tanya dia boleh ke tunjuk harta etc, ustaz ckp tak boleh, haram. Sbb kita akan buat org rasa iri hati, rasa sedih, rasa nak menyalahkan tuhan. That, my friend, really made me feel like I wanna stay away from all social medias except for work purposes in future hahahaha.
Takut kalau aku ada terpost apa2 yg buat org rasa sedih sbb tk dpt benda yg aku ada. Nasihat ustaz to avoid share benda2 cmtu kt social media also buat aku terfikir how do I wanna manage my marriage. Ye lah kau tgk sana sini org post whats going in their marriage kan. Beli rumah, update IG. Beli kereta, update lg. Naik pangkat, up lg. Beli emas, up lg. Pd aku mmg tak salah pun nak share happiness tu. Tp bila fikir there are ppl out there yg mmg tk mampu, rasa sedih pulak membayangkan hati and perasaan dorg bila tgk those posts.
Ala mcm aku la. Aku tak keje. Surirumah. Bila tgk org kerja hebat2, naik pangkat walaupun muda, aku rasa sedih knp aku tk dpt keje sedangkan aku ada kelulusan masters degree. Rasa mcm bebal kejap la otak ni hahahaha. Rasa mcm anak tak guna, mak ayah dah sponsor pergi belajar for free, tp end up tak kerja. Bukan sbb Azizi tk kasi kerja, tp sbb rezeki tk sampai2. Azizi sgt okay dgn apa2 keputusan aku. He said it himself to my parents that "Anis nak kerja ke nak jd surirumah ke semua okay sbb saya masih boleh tanggung Anis". Tp tu la bila tgk org lain syok kerja, kita ni terbayang la lg 30 tahun semua org jd big boss kt office, duit selambak, tp aku belum tentu lg.
And, belum tentu lg kwn2 yg aku ada skrg ni akan terima aku lg 30 tahun kalau aku jd surirumah. But maybe dorang accept, tp even after 30 years of being a housewife, maybe aku yg akan rasa kerdil duduk semeja dgn yg lain sbb tkda harta benda atau prestige sgt (well unless Azizi becomes VVVVVIP Tan Sri or whatever, then aku tumpang sekaki lah hahahahaha :p).
Benda2 ni lah yg bermain dlm fikiran aku sepanjang setahun pertama kahwin. I just dont wanna be a burden to my parents and Azizi. I dont want to not be able to establish a safety net for myself when my source of money now (read: Azizi hahahaha) is no longer here. I want to progress but Im afraid of so many things.
Sebenarnya ubat dia satu je; immediate action.
Sebab kan org taknak hire aku, aku lah kena hire diri sendiri. Persoalannya bila? hahahaha :D
Anyway enough of money and career talk. Lets talk about baby. I'll make it short and simple. Kitaorang belum mula TTC (try to conceive/usaha dpt kan baby). Yes, we plan, on our own. It works so far alhamdulillah. Tp kalau tetiba terbabas pun ktorg okay je. For now mmg nak lepak2 dulu. Honeymoon berdua pun belum weh, pejadah nya. Bagi lah chance nak rasa travel abroad dgn Azizi dulu.
Tp main point is, aku taknak pregnant dlm pandemic sbb aku taknak byk sgt hassle and aku taknak check up sorang2, bersalin sorang2. Apa function ada husband depan mata kalau semua sorang2 sbb covid rules and restrictions :')
So it's better that we wait. Tp before we turn 30 years old lah kang lambat sgt kang kesian anak bila besar, mak ayah dh tua sgt hahahaha.
Not a priority atm. My priority now is to begin hiring myself this year. Tp tak tahu lah mampu ke tidak. Kita tgk lah mcm mana pergi nya nanti.
Here's a cute pic of us on our nikah day. I love this man so much. I hope Allah give me more time with him and our family. Aaaaaminnn!
Despite semua kegusaran hati yg aku tulis kt atas, setiap hari aku sedar aku kena count my blessings, not my problems, flaws, shortcomings. Bersyukur sbb aku masih sihat, ada kudrat utk bergerak. Byk ah benda yg boleh disyukuri. Semoga tahun kedua dan seterusnya perkahwinan ni sentiasa diberkati, dipermudahkan segala urusan dunia akhirat.
Semoga hati ni tetap rasa cukup dgn setiap rezeki. Aaminnn!
Sekian, tamat.
Thanks for readingggggg!!!
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