BOLD & SEPET

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :)  ----------------------------------------------------   i learnt something today, i want to share. tapi, POST PANJANG.   cuti aku start may 30, lebih sebulan ago. so aku ada tanya member2 bila balik kms semula, they said june 12. oh lalalala, lama lagiiii. kita enjoyyyy! you know what happened today? pls continue reading.        aku lepak makan dgn hanim dkt KL. pegi hard rock. wah excited lah ni dlm kereta. parking kereta lepastu order makanan. ttba masa nk order, shue text aku kata kena balik june 3, NOT june 12!!!! siap kena bank in duit yuran lagi. gila. mood dah lari. hello, aku tak prepare pape pun. tk review pun apabenda nk belajar semester 3 nnti. yg bestnya, ayah dh siap booked hotel dkt cameron highland from june 2-4. oh how nice. lagi la aku bengang.  so the whole day, aku cuba distract diri aku dgn makanan hah...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :)  ----------------------------------------------   cuti tinggal few days. i'll head back to banting on june 12. so these last few days i spent by reading. blogs and books. i read to improve my focus. yep, i love to it, but frankly you need to know there are so many types of readers in this world. im the one yg baru 25 page, dh terlelap, celik mata, grab the book, 25 pages more, terlelap lagi HAHAHAHA. i dont quite fathom how people read a thick book within a day. so these few days, i've been trying to read as fast as i can hahahaha. sbb rugi masa baca slowly. aku jenis yg baca dgn intonasi sekali dlm hati, tu yg terlelap tu. pastu satu novel amek masa lebih sehari sbb i cant resist reading them with intonation (dlm hati). gila.   ok thats not the point.   lately ni, aku selalu rasa insecure. pasal result, psl future etc. normal kot benda ni. cuma aku rasa sgt an...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ------------------------------------- POST PANJANG . dulu, masa aku kecik, bila aku buat salah, mak ayah akan marah (normal ah kan), aku tak boleh terima. contoh kalau dorang suruh pakai selipar bila keluar rumah, aku tetap insist them with the idea that tak pakai selipar lagi senang. bila mak ayah marah kaw2, muka aku marah tapi mata dah berair. dlm hati? tak puas. kenapa idea aku (yg kemudiannya aku sedar adalah sangat bodoh) tidak diterima mereka. perkara ni berlanjutan sampai aku besar. the only person yg boleh marah aku balik and make me shut my mouth but eyes pooled are my parents. they really read me and can take control of myself when i went absurd hahahaha. i really need a husband that can bear my childishness. yeah, good luck on finding him, nesa.. -__- mungkin ego, mungkin sbb aku mmg degil sgt. someone once said to me "orang kena pandai main psychology dgn awak...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :)  ------------------------------------------------   Utk Mak Ayah (and my lil bros), hanya mereka dan tiada galang ganti. tiada jumlah harta yg mampu ganti mereka. segala penat lelah, terutama membesarkan baby yg kerek lagi grumpy lagi suka jerit mcm aku. aku masih ingat bila ayah cerita masa aku dah mula nak bercakap, aku asyik jerit2 je. aku duduk sorang dkt seat blkg, ayah suruh senyap, aku lg jerit2. bimbo baby. punya lah sabar depa melayan aku. aku tk pernah lagi rasa terlalu amat melampau risau dkt somebody. i wanted to feel it sbb all this while, i thought i am a selfish brat. i dont know how to care deeply. i looked at how mothers all around me. their faces.. priceless. adam told me "anak2 ni kekuatan utk mak".. i dont quite understand that. how an innocent soul could be your staunching strength? maybe one day i could understand it when i looked into my kids' eyes. pare...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :)  -------------------------------------------   wahai langit, tahu tak bila aku stress dkt kms dgn my inner thought, aku akan pandang kau dan lupa sekejap thing i have to deal with? mungkin aku tak boleh nak capai kau, wahai langit, tapi percaya lah kau buat ramai hamba Allah tersenyum gembira. aku antaranya. wahai kasut, walaupun kau bukan satu, tapi function kau tetap sama. bila aku pandang kasut yg aku tgh pakai dan aku mula rasa nak cari kasut baru padahal kau masih cantik dan elok, i would remember a quote that says "I was crying for shoes till I saw a man with no legs". sebak. wahai makanan, aku tahu kau yang paling aku cari lepas aku bangun tidur hahahaha, tapi ada masanya bila aku menanti yg lain utk makan bersama, aku pandang kau, terfikir sejenak dkt insan di luar sana yg sedang kelaparan. baik kerana tidak ada duit atau terpaksa berjimat. allah, lagi sebak. wa...

trip yang best tapi hambar pada mulanya sbb aku tertinggal IC. gila tragis masa dkt LCCT. lupakan la kan? dah lepas. lawak pun ada bila aku kenang balik. ini kali kedua aku naik flight. happy, i am. kundasang was a very peaceful place with awesome view, cuaca yg sejuk. nyaman masa dkt kundasang ni. dlm gmbr atas ni, blkg tu adalah gunung kinabalu. aku makan menghadap kinabalu beb. nice en? mmg awesome.  mana lagi aku pergi selain kundasang? well.. desa dairy farm - ala2 new zealand org kata. sejuk. tapi bau tak sedap. susu coklat sedap. penat bergambar. war memorial park - awesome view of mount kinabalu. garden yg cantik. agak sunyi. jambatan gantung - penat mendaki. jambatan bergoyang tu buat aku pening hahaha. manukan island - air tak clear sgt sebenarnya, tp aku enjoy tgk ikan swim near me. mcm boleh tangkap pastu goreng hahahaha. rumah terbalik - tmpt yg pelik, small compound tapi fun. aku pening masuk rmh tu sbb semua terbalik. tanjung aru - ini aw...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ---------------------------------------- aku dekat sabah skrg ni. hadiah 10th monthsary, adam booked hotel dkt sabah ni. awesome gila walaupun ruang mandi hanya ada tirai hahahaha moden mungkin? :) tapi aku gembira. jujur. ini baru hari pertama. tadi musibah jadi pada aku. tengah hari tadi sebelum depart, aku baru perasan yg aku tertinggal IC. jawabnya, aku kena beli tcket baru. bayangkan. aku beli ticket baru, online check in, lepastu hanim datang picked up balik. ya allah sabar je lah. dah cukup macho dh aku td. masuk kereta terus melalak. god bless me, i have a new sister.  bayangkan kalau kau jadi aku. melalak wey. adam pujuk. dia suruh move on sbb dia taknak aku sedih masa tgh holiday. ini lah dia bila ada boyfriend yg gila travel. nmpk benor enthusiasm dia nak bagi kita happy. but im glad he's supporting me :') and surprisingly, mak ayah tak marah. harini cukup men...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ------------------------------------------ i don't have any elder brother/sister, so i don't get the chance to be at their graduation day. hence, i've never attend any. i know people say it's the most joyful moment as a student but i just couldn't catch up with them. idk what God planned for me, but today i attend it. yes, i was excited :) looking at happy faces. those pretty girls who make me feel so insecure hahahaha. seriously, they looked stunning with their dresses, high heels, kim kardashian's kinda hair bla bla bla (you can imagine it). of course, the men. so handsome, i almost die. hahahaha. but i was looking at how both genders looked like upon graduation. their happy faces. i almost photo-bombed few families hahahaha accidently, of course!  subhanAllah. it was lively. i imagined myself in that situation. subhanaAllah. it would be so fun! i know i...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family. ----------------------------------------------- sometimes, when you woke up to a sad news. some parts of you were already searching for tomorrow.  with hope that tomorrow is better than today, perhaps. sometimes, truth is a pain not anyone can bear, you know. admit it, we once woke up to something that made us sit for awhile before burst into... tears, maybe? 2010, i remembered when somebody woke up me and tell me someone had passed away and it was 3am. i lost another angel that was so dear to me and i went back to my bed, persuaded myself that it was only a dream. yes, i failed to persuade myself. tears ran down my cheek. few things left and never come back, but if you ever had just one single chance to get it back, go for it. fight.for.it.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) -------------------------------- today is just another typical day during semester break. the only difference is, i am cleaning up my room. yes, still in progress to finish it while i am typing this and it's 10.50pm now. my body is aching, seriously. few hours of cleaning up, i didn't realized that i fell asleep when i was taking break, hahahaha. it has been few months since the last time i did some cleaning works. a year, perhaps -___- can you imagine the dusts? sigh.  i was taken aback by few things as i was cleaning up. i found few of my sketch books. it was from 2008-2010, if im not mistaken. i didn't go through everything that i wrote there but i did read a few paragraphs. wow. it was wow. how much things have changed. how my mentality changed. how people left and came, some of them are still here and some left. i wish i would write more. so that 5 years by now,...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) --------------------------------------------- there was this one fine day that i went for dinner with my family at a local notorious restaurant. we usually have our dinner at restaurant, just so you know. so, dealing with the rude waiters etc are just another norm in my life. i usually go out as a simple girl. well, you could probably label me as someone who is very lazy to get dolled up. so on that one fine day, i went out wearing KMS shirt, typical worn out jeans and my lovely sneakers. yes, i am nothing near femininity. unless, few times of the month that i felt so. oh yeah, tudung also so serabai. no selendang lilit or bawal pinned on my shirt (the shoulder area), it was just my tudung petak that i pinned it together and let it sway before my stomach. you know, my bosom is the part i need to cover. so yeah, that pretty much make sense to my serabainess. oh im so good at making excuses...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family. have you ever felt inside you that you wanna pour it all out yet you don't how or to whom? have you ever felt so messed up inside? have you ever felt like all the things you did aint worth anything? have you ever felt you wanted to be heard but scared that the judgmental remarks might ripped out your sanity? have you ever felt that something good hurts you so bad? have you ever felt like you wanted to cry out everything but you hold that feeling and that freaking hurt you to the core? have you ever blame yourself for all the reasons behind that feeling? have you ever felt so guilty that you feel like giving up? have you ever look up to the sky and question everything? have you ever walk in an occasion full with the people you love but yet you feel inadequate of total joy? have you ever felt like sometimes you wanna stand up for yourself but you dont know how? have you ever fe...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ---------------------------------------- Sejujurnya, aku rasa semester ni aku tak consistent. Hahahaha. Ikut mood rajin, aku rajin. Mood biasa, aku biasa je. Mood malas, mmg aku bantai buat benda lain. Byk faktor sebenarnya. Bosan dgn rutin sama etc. Alasan sungguh. Aku tgh study week skrg and aku rasa mcm aku tak study apa walaupun aku study. Aku rasa mcm aku buat latihan etc, mcm tak melekat. IDK why. This is intimidating. Aku dh buat jadual belajar, tapi aku rasa mcm jadual ni tk membantu. Aku tak tahu dah nk buat apa lagi ni. Aku tk pasti nak kena study mcm mana.  Risau jugak kalau dlm dewan nanti aku telan air liur garu kepala je masa nk jwb. Tapi berdasarkan pengalaman study week aku yg dh berapa hari berjalan ni, pointer mcm makin drop je. Gila. Serious doh, apa aku nak buat ni? Nak study mana satu dulu? Aku tak tahu kenapa aku mcm tk tahu nk buat apa ni. Hari...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ----------------------------------------------------- Harini hari ke 5 study week. Astaghfirullah apa kau buat dkt rumah haa nesaaaaa? HAHAHA! Sebenarnya kepala aku belum dkt exam lagi ni -___- maybe sebab tu bila aku study, lepastu aku rasa mcm aku tak study. Kepala aku (focus aku) dkt mana? Merata-rata. Kejap internet, kejap tidur, kejap internet, kejap TV.  HUAHUAHUA :P Harini aku bangun pagi, Adam call. Wey I tell you haa, that's the best feeling evahhhhh!! When you woke up and talk to him walaupun kami berdua mamai tutup mata hahahaha! Susah aku nk curi masa dia ni tau. Kalah YB yg tgh bertanding skrg ni -____-" Anyway, aku turun bwh nak breakfast and aku nmpk mak resting dkt sofa. Suddenly she said,  "Ayah masuk hospital pukul 3 pagi tadi" I was like.. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?? No lah, aku tk gelabah. Cuma rasa mcm she was joking.  Takda yg serious pu...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ---------------------------------------- Dah 4 hari study week mula. Aku rasa aku mcm tak study apa walaupun aku study. Rasa mcm hmm masuk ke apa aku baca ni, kalau soalan susah lagi mcm mana nk jwb, mana lagi nk kena baca ni, arghhhh internet ni kacau lah, hmm mata ni ngantuk, tidur sat lah.. PUIIIIII -_____- Study schedule. Aku rasa itu penyelamat. Dah 4 hari. Tinggal rabu, khamis, jumaat, weekend. 5 hari lagi. GILA. HAHAHAHA!! Tips? Bertenang, just do whatever yg termampu. Paksa sgt otak ni pun tk guna. Self-pity mmg buang jauh ah skrg ni patutnya. Aku dh puas study drpd 11am td, skrg dh nk pukul 6pm. GILA. Rasa mcm satu apa pun tk masuk. Mungkin sbb ada internet. Salah kau jugak gatai tangan kenapa. Takpa, relax. Kau gelabah pun tk settle masalah. Malam ni nak lukis schedule. Yes, lukis. HAHAHA! Esok kena lagi disiplin dan bijak guna masa. Jangan kayu sgt pl...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ---------------------------------------------- Well, I am not gonna write about our story (Adam and I) all over again, from A to Z. That would bore people to sleep. It's just this morning when I woke up (feeling better than yesterday), I signed in to my blog and randomly go through comments in my blog. Surprisingly (his scornful remark these days, HEH), most of the comments were from him :)  and as I go through the comments, I looked at the variety of posts under "From Mr Bf" label and found a post he secretly posted. A post he wrote for me when I was about to sit for my first examination in matriculation :) Life at KMS has connect us both, actually. We started this relationship from a comment he left here on January 23, 2012 and we started to send email frequently. He asked for my number but I just ignored HAHA he gave his but what he didn't know i...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) ----------------------------------------------------- Life has been super busy these days. With night classes all packed to my schedule, works to submit, I manage to be sane. Officially, study week has started and here I am, escaped myself from the bars of KMS (they forbidden us to go home during study week, fyi). Sucks, no? Sigh. Im homeeee! To tell you the truth, I am all freaked out about PSPM 2 (final exam). Preparation? 30 percents maybe. Sucks.  Im not sure whether it's wrong to complain about the amount of night classes they held. You see, we have classes from 8am-4pm, nthen 8pm something until 11pm (maximum). Yes I realized that it is for our own good. But man, aren't these people born with mercy? Yes I realized that they too are tired and stuff. But come on, I only see students whining over things and some even lost their interest (I almost be the latter one). But whate...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) -------------------------------------------------- Minggu Gila. Aku rasa minggu ni cukup gila. Gila penuh air mata, penuh drama, penuh umpatan, penuh dosa. Muahaha. Selama aku sekolah dkt SSAAS, jujurnya, aku jarang ada masalah member. Mungkin sebab aku bukan jenis nk touching lebih bila member tinggalkan aku, pegi lepak tk ajak, pastu emo tak bertegur bagai. Tenang bro, aku manusia, masih punya rasa. Memang terasa hati, tapi kita chillex ah kan. Yang bersalah tu pun, bagusnya tk play dumb act innocent. So ada justice sikit and tkda la gaduh bagai. Aku rasa dulu masa sekolah rendah ah issue gaduh bagai ni hebat dilakonlayarkan -___-" most of my friends dkt SSAAS, jenis yg reti mengalah. Aku boleh buat konklusi yg dorang ni simple-minded and telus. Kau salah, kau admit, kau malu, kau jgn  ulang lagi. Settle. Fakta sekarang ni, semua orang pun buat salah. So, bila tak mengaku salah ...

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم  Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad, his companions and family :) --------------------------------------------- Oh Ya Allah, I ask forgiveness from You for the things I did and continue to do, intentionally or unintentionally. I pray that I'll find my way out. I pray that my problems will resolve. I pray that I found my inner peace. I pray that I have enough rezeki and  be content with whatever You have prescribed for me. I pray for strength to stay motivated. I pray for strength when nobody is my listener. I pray for strength when my result ain't astonishing as others. I pray for strength to care not whether I get my beauty sleep. I pray for a companion that will guide me through. I pray for productivity, even if it is tiny ones. I pray for strength to face PSPM2. I pray for a way out. Dear Allah, I have nobody to listen to me, actually. It hurts when nobody listens, when my little things are annoyances ...

I haven't been blogging lately. Surely I don't know what have gotten into me. Study has been a drab. If you asked me to sit for final exam now, I would have been kicked out from the college right after the result is published. Sigh.. Kinda have to admit that when the final exam is near, I am freaking out. I just gotta do lots of things. To revise, to read, to memorise. Goshhh, I have forgotten my first chapter of chemistry for this sem. Such a short term memory.. I've seen my girls in class are striving hard. Fyi, my class are listed among the best class for PDT. We have 4 people with astonishing result. They got 4 flats, you know.. BIG SHAME ON ME. Well, I don't study hard enough hahahaha obviously. Now I feel like collapsing. Final is on April 22. I have another one month to err.. struggle, they say. I can foresee myself crying while studying hahahaha. I seriously am in minor depression actually. You see, there are times in class that I would tear a bit thinking o...