BOLD & SEPET

this is quite a long post tho. Hello everyone! This is me after I finished doing my first tawaf ever.  It was 2am-ish i think hehe so baraiiiii after the 5 hours journey from Madinah. Yeap, quit expecting that I'll be doing how-to post. This post will be about how special this trip was for me. All praise be to Allah for this rezeki. I've always wondered how it feels like to be there (the two holy cities, Mekah and Madinah). I used to look at other people's pictures and thought "haih, how lucky these people are". I used to be in that cohort. I wanted to be there so badly but I thought it was nearly impossible until I secured a job first. But I had it in my heart, I really wanna go there. I whispered from the deepest of my heart and He answered me when Ayah sent a message in the group to choose the date. Flabbergasted indeed! I was preparing myself for Beijing at that time. 3 days left before my classmates and I leave Malaysia and with the news fro...

Now playing - Chasing Cars (by Snow Patrol) I changed my blog layout. To me, this is big. Bold & Sepet has been my diary since 2009 -via different names that seemed to never find a fixed one, haha!. I am not really someone who speak out the grief that I kept inside, but I know it showed on my face bcz Im not good at hiding either. So, blogging is a therapy for me. I discovered the world of blogging when I was 14. It was love at first sight. I used to update frequently and whenever Im mia (it means "missing in action", buddy), my friends (yeah, the real good ones) will know that I'll never left my blog unattended and from this blog also I knew if they still cared. Apparently, I haven't been blogging frequently these days. I just lost the momentum, Idk what happened. It just happened like wth.... ...and tonight, revamping this blog, adding my fav colour (ehem, yellow is a good energy) made me weep tbh. I bawled my eyes bcz it's like flipping a new page...

Aku ni mungkin dah tak sesuai utk blogging. Entah lah, makin malas nk update. Dulu boleh je panjang lebar bercerita. Idk what happened. Yesterday marked the first month of doing internship. Dah dapat advisor, cuma aku belum settle fikir lagi tajuk thesis. Kenapa lah UiTM ni campur aduk thesis dgn internship. Cuba lah susun elok. Betul2 nak kita ni belajar thrive under pressure gamaknya. Supervisor aku tanya aku "where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" Aku tk tau nak jawab apa sebab I havent really choose one. I have like so many plans which ended up not having focus, so no goals achieved. Mcm tamak, semua nak buat tp tak dapat. Mungkin sambung kerja, tp definitely bukan sambung belajar. Itu pasti. Risau jugak aku dgn kos sara hidup dkt KL kemain tingginya. Aku nak beli lunch pun risau. Belum cite nak top up touch n go lagi. Total semua dh berapa ratus. Takda space nk saving. Timbul lah rasa menyesal tk saving since sem 1 dulu. Kalau tak dh boleh meminang crush ...

Aku sekarang ni tengah internship aka final sem aka sem 6. Semalam result exam sem 5 dah released. Aku tak mengharap byk, cuma nak lulus semua papers. Syukur, makbul doa tu alhamdulillah. Result paling okay goes to semester 5. Tahniah nesa sbb berjaya pujuk diri. Blerghh *roll eyes* Tu la cabaran bila selama almost 3 tahun kau buat course yg kau tak minat tapi Alhamdulillah course International Business ni so fun to learn sebenarnya. Cuma business, marketing, finance bla bla aren't my scenes. Aku bangga dgn diri aku sebab berjaya lulus dgn jayanya dan naik kan cgpa. Paling happy sebab insyaAllah dapat grad dgn kawan-kawan. Semoga thesis dan viva dan correction thesis berjalan dgn lancar sekali. Aaminn. Cuma tu lah, dalam hati ni kdg-kdg risau sgt. Ada ke orang nak amek aku kerja nanti? Allahu. Takpa. Semoga jumpa tajuk thesis yg mudah dan semoga semuanya mudah utk kami. Aaaminn.

at some point today i was thinking when will all these struggles end, when will i get to do what i wanna do, all these left me at the point where im bewildered by what i wanna do and what is in front of me. all of these pains, will it hold me from moving forward? i dont know anymore. i am being really ignorant these days. day 1 was okay. i used iMac for the first time. wobbly hands. i hope my thesis will go well. ah final year is really freaking me out.

Aku tengah study GBS sambil dgr Ustaz Ebit Lew live. Menarik kuliah dia dkt FB harini. Cerita pasal bantuan Allah dan keyakinan kita pada Allah. Baru tadi masa tolong Ayah basuh pinggan lepas dinner, aku terfikirkan sesuatu. Sesuatu yg aku rasa mcm sebenarnya dah kronik tapi tiada solusi yg di execute. Aku kata dalam hati " mcm mana ye semua ni, something is wrong, there must be something I need to fix this year. But idk where to start. I think I need to get out of this thing, it's dragging me to the flow ". Lepastu just nice je dlm ceramah Ustaz dkt FB Live ni, dia share doa supaya hilang gelisah, malas dan sebagainya etc. Baca setiap pagi petang. dan baca lah selalu : Subhanaka inni zalamtu nafsi faghfir li, innahu la yaghfirudh-dhunuba illa Anta (You are far removed from imperfection I have wronged myself, so forgive me, because none but You can forgive sins) or click me ! Well, Ustaz didnt point out exactly what I should, but he told me what i need. I t...

POST YG PANJANG OK. (hm lama tak tulis mcm ni. lama sgt hew hew hew) ps : tiada travel info yg terlalu byk dlm ni. sikit" tu ada kot. ini bukan travel post. ini post 3am yg malas. It was really a great experience for me sebab aku tak pernah travel ramai-ramai dgn member. So memang meriah dan seronok sangat-sangat! Rindu lah jugak pergi trip tu. Tapi Beijing bukan tempat yang aku nak datang balik. Tak mcm Korea. Entah lah. Aku rasa sebab makanan dia tak best, lepastu dia takda wow factor sangat kot. Korea tu boleh nampak la canggih dia lebih sikit dari Malaysia. Maybe tu yg menarik. Beijing ni aku rasa mcm just nice lah. Alhamdulillah dapat pergi time winter. Walaupun tak merasa snowfall, aku tetap happy dapat rasa sejuk tu. Biasanya sejuk yg tak boleh handle tu time pagi bila dah start touring. Contoh mcm dkt Summer Palace. Time dkt SP ni mmg aku jujur cakap, sejuk nak mamposssss. Pastu baru aku tahu time tu it was around -3dc. Haaa negative kau! Lepastu dkt Great Wall p...

genap seminggu aku akan bertolak ke beijing dgn geng kelas utk study trip. ye, demi memenuhi subject requirements. pegi time winter pulak tu. pertama kali lah aku merasa winter nanti. sampai sana around 1am, di khabarkan suhu time tu -5dc. aku masih tak boleh brain lagi utk berada di bawah suhu beku tu mcm mana. hm. okay je kot. mesti best! dgn kawan-kawan semua. hehe. trip ni akan jd trip yg special utk aku insyaAllah. 1. last trip sebagai pelajar ijazah muda. dont think im gonna do a second degree tho hahaha. 2. ada yg lebih menarik join sekali trip ni. jujurnya, aku tak properly plan lg pakaian dkt sana. aku tgk orang lain mcm fancy je. aku bwk duit pun tk byk ke sana. berazam utk taknak shopping. nak sightseeing je and taste local halal food. dan pertama kali jugak nanti aku akan check in luggage. selama ni tak pernah check in. bawak hand carry je. aduhai excited tu takyah cite lah. winter kot. nasib lah ni bukan first time naik flight. kalau tidak, fuhhhh, tak fokus beb...

to my future other half, im sorry this has to be in English because i am really awkward to write in malay whe  it comes to curhat. ignore the grammar error. to my future other half, tonight i think of you. i kinda miss you. i hope one day i am given the chance to tell this to you. i miss you. here's a thing about missing your future other half. girls are like this. perhaps we think too much. we think and worry about our future other half. i sincerely hope you are doing well, sweetie.  i hope one day god gives me the chance to finally say it to you that i miss you and i love you. its been so long siince i last pronounced my love for a guy. i learn to keep it for you. i am no saint, no relic, no good example, i am just trying to find me, doing better me. to my future other half, my life here is challenging, i hope you send me prayers even though you know not my name cz i send prayers for you though your name is still god's gracious secret. to my future ...

Rindu. Yg Tuhan cipta utk disalurkan pd benda-benda yg mendatangkan kebaikan pd diri. Rindu pd keluarga. Menenangkan. Baik utk diri. Rindu pd peluang melakukan kebaikan. Rindu pd kenangan yg manis. Yg tuhan cipta kan juga utk di salurkan kembali kpdNya. Supaya kaki tak terlalu tertanam pd dunia, hati tidak ditimbus keseronokkannya. Rindu. Yg satu hari nanti aku harap tersalur dgn betul pada masa yg betul, yg di luahkan utk seseorang yg betul. Dan aku harap di sepanjang menunggu saat yg betul tu, dia di jaga tuhan dgn baik sekali.

Berbulu betul telinga aku dgn topik ni. Tapi tu lah, malam ni baru aku tahu cousin aku umur 17 dah nak kahwin. Kakak dia pun, sebaya aku, umur 22. Aku tak faham lah dorang ni semua. Hahahahaha. Yeeee yeeee, I get it, jodoh dorang sampai awal. Tapi ish entah. Aku rasa umur 24 pun masih awal lagi utk kahwin. Mcm byk gila benda aku nak buat sebelum kahwin, apesal dorang ni mcm takda benda nk buat sebelum kahwin? Aku rasa kalau aku list benda aku nak buat before kahwin, mungkin aku kahwin umur 30-40 hahahahaha. Tapi ye lah, aku faham, hidup berteman lagi seronok lah. Seronok ke kalau bergaduh? Hihi tanya je. Bila org kahwin awal, aku salute sebenarnya. Mesti dorang byk benda dh diprepare. Mentally especially. Aku ni against benda ni sbb aku tak pernah rasa lg keperluan nk prepare hahahaha. Cari journal pun terkial-kial, lagi pulak nak cari jodoh. Eh kirim salam lah. Hebat oang yg berani kahwin awal ni. Aku mmg jujur cakap aku tak into this shit. ahahahaha. Serabut. Ha aku b...

Aku ada masa less than a year utk habis degree. Aku pun tk tahu apabenda nak expect lepastu. Somehow aku tak tahu mana nak pergi with my bachelor degree scroll. Sepuluh kali dah kot aku kata IB bukan pilihan hati aku. Entah lah. Aku harap satu hari nanti aku faham kenapa tuhan letak aku dalam bidang ni. Bukan tak best sgt pun bidang ni. It's soooo fun to learn it, but to be passionate about it is just something I cant foresee. Risau jugak aku kalau tak dapat kerja. Biasa lah kan risau bagai ni. Tapi sebagai pengukuhan karakter, aku selalu bagitahu diri yg penting you just keep going, jujur with your effort, jgn makan jln org lain and be happy. Rezeki is everywhere. Sabar lah aduhai hati. Kau akan jumpa jalan kau nanti. InsyaAllah.

Nak bagi senang paham, calibrate tu mcm adjust bagi betul. Gonna miss this campussss I havent been blogging frequently these days, boleh kata aku lost grip jugak dkt blog ni. Mcm makin terbiar. Malas pun ada. Tp I always have things to share, cuma I dont share these days. Tp nesa being nesa, very expressive and impulsive, so she needs to rant jugak at the end of the day. Too much happened these days. From learning that my opinion didnt matter to some people to realizing that there are people who will back me up no matter how shitty things could be and they can also be the same people who hurt you. Basically, everyone hurts and helps. and fuck yes, I eventually dont care who were nice or shitty. I went for a taklimat about internship today. I felt nothing while my friends are intimidated and nervous. I felt like it was just another thing I have to deal with and tbh, it's kinda tedious. All the process, I mean it. But surely, I'll learn more and that's exciting...

Semester ni aku bawak Baby G ke Melaka, senang jugak lah nak commute ke mana2 dan senang jugak duit aku habis dlm masa seminggu pertama aku bwk Baby G. Oh G stands for green cz that kelisa is green in colour. Idk what to expect for this semester. First week is all fun and games. Classes have started. Homework pun dah dapat. I have lots to arrange like files, workout and so much more. I've been thinking to work on weekends but Idk whether I'll survive or not. Semester ni lah kitaorang pegi Beijing, akhir November nanti. Tbh, Im not really happy cz I heard rumors yg Beijing busuk. Aduh lemah aku. Ni lah cuti panjang yg terakhir aku boleh lepak dkt rumah takda buat apa beb. Next midsem break pegi Beijing, lepastu kelas kelas kelas and then final exam, lepastu break kejap 2 weeks, then internship. Fuh. Dah nak habis siot degree ni. Ah, bosan betul. Aku takda rasa nak blogging these days.

Dalam hidup, nak taknak kau kena ada prinsip. Prinsip ni mcm pendirian kau. Mak kata org yg berjaya, pendirian dia tetap. Prinsip dia teguh. Prinsip ni mcm perkara-perkara yg kau pegang. Cth, Ali punya prinsip hidup adalah pantang menyerah sebelum habis mencuba. Contoh prinsip lah tu. Kalau kau nak ada prinsip, make sure ini semua selesai : - prinsip kau tak harm sesiapa kalau tak leh benefit sesiapa - prinsip kau masih bertuhankan Yang Maha Esa Selain drpd dua ni semua bullshit, selfish af punya prinsip. Prinsip aku zaman degree ni adalah sentiasa jujur dlm meletakkan usaha utk dpt segulung ijazah walaupun apa pun resultnya, sebab berkat dan redha Dia yg akan menyelamatkan aku, bukan sekadar cgpa power. Paham? igt kan aku kalau tetiba aku cheating.

Antara rezeki yg aku rasa aku overlooked adalah keberadaan aku bersama insan-insan yang baik. in other words, dikelilingi orang yg baik-baik. entah. mungkin kau pernah terlintas benda ni dlm otak. bagus. tahniah. tapi harini, aku baru tersedar benda ni, sampai tahap menitis air mata aku. peh pehhh syahdu sgt ni. tapi betul. kdg-kdg Tuhan tak bagi kita berada di mana kita nak atas byk sebab yg hanya Dia tahu dan slowly, Dia akan bagi kita faham kenapa kita ada dkt situ (ps: provided that kau stay positive dan berdoa dan berfikir sebelum menjatuhkan konklusi sendiri). contoh: mungkin 3 tahun aku dkt melaka, aku akan sentiasa bersedih bila terkenang yg IB bukan course yg aku nak, tp kalau aku twist mindset aku mcm skrg ni, aku akan nampak yg sebenarnya rezeki Dia nak bg adalah bila mana aku dikelilingi org yg baik-baik. jadi mungkin di situ, Dia tgh slowly mold aku jd org yg baik walaupun aku masih lg bitching around kdg-kdg. hahahahaha. dan itu semua rezeki. demi Allah, itu reze...

ps : Firstly, may Allah bless my Mak Ayah for they finally agreed to buy me the car! Yay!! Dari sekolah, aku memang ada masalah tranportasi sikit. Selalu mintak orang hantar je. Segan lah jugak. Bertahun aku tabah naik bas, cab sengsorang. Ada hari mood parents aku baik, dorang hantarkan. My parents were probably teaching me how to be independent and creative and patient and gigih and enjoy life's flow hahahaha. While most of my friends are able to commute to places on their own, I still use the old-fashioned way, which is not so bad afterall, but a lil bit tiring. Kalau panas lg azab. Yes, payung is my best friend. Dulu zaman sekolah aku jalan kaki dari Unisel Shah Alam sampai U12. Everyday except bila hari aku tak larat, aku tumpang lah kgkawan aku. Segan jugak. Ada hari aku gagahkan diri tunggu bas dkt Seksyen 2 tu, berhenti dkt Unisel dan jalan kaki sampai rumah sbb takde bas masuk U12 kecuali bas sekolah hahaha. Lebih kurang 45 minit gak kalau aku jalan paling santai yg b...

(sbb aku pikir aku retis, aku taip lah post ni muahahahahaha lantak der lantakkk) Okay okay, aku admit, aku tk merancang nak pegi sesiapa punya open house raya tahun ni dan agak pelik bila aku tak join semua sesi bergambar padahal aku ada je dkt SA. Sekarang cuti semester pun aku jarang sgt lepak kalau nak dibanding dulu. Reasons being are : - malas socialize. bila socialize ni kgkdg kena bukak small talks. haaaaa benda ni yg aku dah tk berapa reti dan minat. - jimat duit. bulan November aku terpaksa pegi Beijing, jadi duit harus semakin di catu sebab bapak aku apparently tak cop duit. - aku tknk susahkan org amek/hntr aku. routine sebegini aku patut kurangkan. bukan apa, aku segan, asyik menumpang. ye lah, kita tk tau dlm byk2 yg menumpangkan tu mana yg berat hati sbnrnya. segan lah aku haishhhh. dah tua2 ni, ukur baju di bahu sendiri. takpe lah, aku duk rumah. - gemuk. org suka ckp aku gemuk padahal aku tk rasa aku gemuk pun, jd aku tknk terguris hati. hahahahahahaha h...

makin teruk pulak aku rasa prestasi aku update blog ni, tapi masih ada yang tabah bukak blog ni every day. mekacehhh ye sayangs! Aku pun tak tahu nak update apa dah. Kalau ada boyfriend, penuh dah kot ayat syahdu dlm blog ni utk dia. Hahhahaha. Malam ni tetiba aku rasa mcm aku perlu manfaatkan cuti sem yang aku relax sangat ni dengan mula utk draft buku pertama aku atau short stories atau whatever dan kemudian hantar dkt publisher mcm Buku Fixi or Lejen Press ke entah siapa" lah. Seorang anisah memang happy kalau dapat tolong orang lain buatkan ayat. Kepuasan tu ada. Apatah lagi menulis sebuah cerita. Jgn ckp lah dia punya addiction tu. Tapi wahai sahabat semua, nak mula draft menulis tu yg liat dan malas. Idea kalau boleh beli dekat pasar, setiap hari aku bangun pagi. Tapi sebenarnya, tak payah susah" sebab dalam bilik pun boleh dapat idea. Caranya, KENA LA HABIS KAN BACA SEMUA BUKU" YG MELAMBAK NI WOIIIIIIIII -_- Betul, dgn membaca kita dapat idea menulis....

Bila satu benda tu asyik berlaku on repeat, aku boleh jadi penat. Solusinya takda. Okay tipu. Ada tapi sukar di implement. Mungkin mcm tu orang yang tabah bangkit semula dari kepayahan hidup. Bila benda tu jadi berulang kali, it became normal to them that they no longer feel anything. Fuh. No longer feel anything. Kadang tak tahu dah nak nangis pada siapa. Aku ni orang biasa, masalah hidup ada je keliling pinggang tapi chill dulu, ada urusan lain perlu diurusan sebelum aku nak meratapi masalah tu semua. Mungkin aku dah mendekati fasa no longer feel anything tu kot. Entah. Air mata masih sama lagi berjurai. Feel sangat la tuh! Dah lah tak yah tanya banyak dekat aku, penat nak jawab, rasa mcm nak kena buat press conference. Lagi satu, Aku mungkin akan consider utk delete blog ni dan semua social media (walaupun aku baru berjinak-jinak dengan IG semula) hanya kerana aku rasa aku takda privacy nak post apa aku suka. Orang sana judge, orang sini menyakat. Eh kepala bana kau lah...