BOLD & SEPET

Pada aku cantik numbering tahun ni. 23 on 23rd. Sekali je seumur hidup. Aku tak tau nak blog apa. Dah jarang sangat blog. Selalu duk layan termenung je sampai tak terblog dah. Sampai lupa aku ada blog rupanya and once active here, long time ago lah... haha! Anyway, aku rasa umur 23 tu mmg betul2 raw nak masuk adulthood. Dgn degree yg nak bakal habis mid July ni, aku akan masuk alam pekerjaan dan struggle menjadi hamba sistem. Gitu. Hello kerja pun belum tentu dapat terus. Semoga rezeki aku tak putus lepasni. Last year, turning 22 taught me : 1. to always double check stuffs. 2. to never trust that someone is reliable enough to handle things for you hahahaha 3. remember that things are constantly changing, so dont get fixated so easily 4. believe in the power of doa and staying true to yr effort 5. give a few seconds for yrself to pause then react to a problem Being 22 last year was the best. I went to Beijing, Istanbul, Bursa, Mekkah and Madinah all in one year....

I read a post on FB saying that there will always be  one person who will really secretly care about you, then I shared the post and said "thank you if you are still there" Idk to whom did I dedicate that post to. But if there is a person, someone or a bunch of people who care about me silently, not letting me know, I just wanna say thank you so much.. I may not know y'all but Allah is watching your sweet gesture from above. I hope He will bless y'all with abundance of joy and ease in the world and hereafter. Plus, to whoever that still check this blog just to know what am I up to (in a good way lah, duh), may Allah bless y'all too for your concern though not constantly, I cant repay it, but I hope Allah will. I may overlooked these people, but I hope Allah wont.

Just now Ayah told me when I was 3, we visited his friend then I decided that I like a toy of his friend's daughter's. Then I decided that I want it and I clutched to it despite being told to let it go cz it wasnt mine. Then my parents had to dragged me out of the house and apologized to their friend hahahaha but still, I didnt let go of the toy that that Uncle gave it to me eventually and his daughter was looking at me behind the curtain. Hahaha! poor girl.. Today I realized it. Whatever that I decided to be mine is mine. I dont share it and I dont care that I wont share it. Hahahah! I wish I am still THAT resilient towards what I want. Maybe I am, but on matters that dont matter.

Being bising and cheerful is hard. It's hard cz just when you need your me-time to sit at a corner silently and think about stuffs, people thought something is wrong with you and you're not okay. I mean, it is mostly true tho, but sometimes I just dont feel like being cheerful and I wish people know that I myself, freaking know how to get tired of being lively and cheerful, so yeah, I do know how and when to be quiet and stay calm. Haha! But at time when I do have things to think, I just keep mum. I dont say much and I found inner peace by doing so. Nevertheless, it's still hard. I do have things in my mind right now, worrying about future and whatnot, I just hope Allah protect me always from things that He dislike.

Aku amek space sikit utk lari dari Twitter sbb pagi tadi baru aku selesai delete semua tweet dan kosong kan Twitter, utk memberi laluan kpd masa lapang dgn menyiapkan thesis yg masih lagi tak siap2. Mcm yg aku aim dlm calendar gmail, habis intern, settle chapter 4. Tapi tu lah, chapter 4 ni data analysis drpd questionnaire yg aku akan distribute. Masalahnya skrg ni Sir tak reply lg email aku. Nk dkt seminggu dah woi. Bengkel SPSS (sejenis software utk key in data) pulak sabtu depan. Aku nak key in apabenda entah dkt bengkel tu nanti kalau sir tak reply email aku dan approve questionnaire aku. Adoi. Smlm aku tweet "future scares me", ada 6 orang RT. Aku rasa disayangi sbb rupanya ada jugak kawan2 yg fikir benda sama. Nak tidur, nangis. Bangun tidur, nangis. Risau punya pasal. Thesis Viva Habis bachelor degree Kerja (ini paling menakutkan)

Aku masih lagi struggle melawan diri procrastinate dgn thesis writing. Ada 5 chapter nak kena buat. Aku personally rasa chapter paling sakit is chapter 2 (literature review) and chapter 4 (data analysis). Tbh, aku baru siap 80% siap chapter 1. Padahal first meet dgn advisor was March 17 haritu. Patutnya dah siap sampai chapter 3 sekarang ni. Bayangkan berapa banyak aku procrastinate... Minggu ni baru aku nak catch up balik sebab aku aim sebelum 12 May, siap lengkap chapter 1, 2, questionnaire and intro chapter 3. Aku pun tak faham kenapa lah uitm ni satu kan intern dgn thesis. Kenapa lah tak thesis dulu baru intern. Penat jugak sebenarnya. Tapi bila aku fikir, orang lain boleh siap sampai 3 chapters, siap kena reject 2-3 kali, aku nak bagi alasan apa kan? Semoga by isnin ni aku siap chapter 1 & half chapter 2. Tak boleh jadi betul kau ni anisah. Theoretical framework baru jumpa satu je. Masih tak kukuh. Acano ni? Kata nak grad on time? Maka harus lah aku rapatkan d...

My supervisor told me today that my time will come. The time will come when one day I will have my own paycheck and I will start settling stuffs on my own, the bills, the shopping, the credit card and all. All I had in my mind at time was to be able to shop at IKEA as much as she did today for her rented apartment. I love shopping for that kinda stuffs. I imagine having my own apartment and the privilege to decorate it. Soon the time will come and when it arrives, I hope I'll be just fine. I learnt so much today. God bless my supervisor. May the doors of rahmat be opened for her always, ya Rahman.

It felt horrible to start catching a feeling for someone. For me, it has been 7 years since I last felt like this. Like I am attached to somebody who doesnt even know how I feel and I dont ever intend to tell it yet. Catching a feeling is something, detachment is also another thing. Like I suddenly feel horrible if things didnt end up like fairytales --happily ever after or a good bright future. Such detachment is the worst. Like I already own it but no Im not. Im not even grasping it but I could already feel it but it's not there for real. What lah.....blerghhhh... Catching THIS feeling for someone after 7 years sucks so badly. I once had a crush on someone (it's a different 'someone' btw) that I kept it to myself since 2008. I confessed in 2015. From 2008 to 2015, I never allow myself to be attached to this fella cz I know it will hurt me like hell. Im glad I did and it didnt hurt me so much even after I told him what I feel --Im a smart girl and yes he politely ...

quite a long post tho --------------- I never been on any legit real relationship that lasts for more than a year. When I was with my Johor ex boyfriend, we...oh god, i forgot what happened la siaa hahaha! Only lasted few months je kot. When I was with my wall-climber ex boyfriend, our official declaration only lasted for 2 weeks. We still try to keep it going but we broke up anyway. When I was with my afro-haired ex boyfriend, we lasted for 3 months. When I was with my forensic-officer-to-be ex boyfriend, we lasted 4-5 months. I forgot already. Then, someone catfished me for two years which made me "had a boyfriend" for that period of time, which no, that's not a real relationship. The catfish-er was a girl btw. Nope, she isnt ex boyfriend apparently. Wrong category. Yeap, I checked that. Im straight btw. Hahaha! When I was with my theater-partner ex boyfriend, we lasted 2 months cz we broke up on 14th Feb 2015. Yeap, valentine's day. So yeah, those w...

this is quite a long post tho. Hello everyone! This is me after I finished doing my first tawaf ever.  It was 2am-ish i think hehe so baraiiiii after the 5 hours journey from Madinah. Yeap, quit expecting that I'll be doing how-to post. This post will be about how special this trip was for me. All praise be to Allah for this rezeki. I've always wondered how it feels like to be there (the two holy cities, Mekah and Madinah). I used to look at other people's pictures and thought "haih, how lucky these people are". I used to be in that cohort. I wanted to be there so badly but I thought it was nearly impossible until I secured a job first. But I had it in my heart, I really wanna go there. I whispered from the deepest of my heart and He answered me when Ayah sent a message in the group to choose the date. Flabbergasted indeed! I was preparing myself for Beijing at that time. 3 days left before my classmates and I leave Malaysia and with the news fro...

Now playing - Chasing Cars (by Snow Patrol) I changed my blog layout. To me, this is big. Bold & Sepet has been my diary since 2009 -via different names that seemed to never find a fixed one, haha!. I am not really someone who speak out the grief that I kept inside, but I know it showed on my face bcz Im not good at hiding either. So, blogging is a therapy for me. I discovered the world of blogging when I was 14. It was love at first sight. I used to update frequently and whenever Im mia (it means "missing in action", buddy), my friends (yeah, the real good ones) will know that I'll never left my blog unattended and from this blog also I knew if they still cared. Apparently, I haven't been blogging frequently these days. I just lost the momentum, Idk what happened. It just happened like wth.... ...and tonight, revamping this blog, adding my fav colour (ehem, yellow is a good energy) made me weep tbh. I bawled my eyes bcz it's like flipping a new page...

Aku ni mungkin dah tak sesuai utk blogging. Entah lah, makin malas nk update. Dulu boleh je panjang lebar bercerita. Idk what happened. Yesterday marked the first month of doing internship. Dah dapat advisor, cuma aku belum settle fikir lagi tajuk thesis. Kenapa lah UiTM ni campur aduk thesis dgn internship. Cuba lah susun elok. Betul2 nak kita ni belajar thrive under pressure gamaknya. Supervisor aku tanya aku "where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" Aku tk tau nak jawab apa sebab I havent really choose one. I have like so many plans which ended up not having focus, so no goals achieved. Mcm tamak, semua nak buat tp tak dapat. Mungkin sambung kerja, tp definitely bukan sambung belajar. Itu pasti. Risau jugak aku dgn kos sara hidup dkt KL kemain tingginya. Aku nak beli lunch pun risau. Belum cite nak top up touch n go lagi. Total semua dh berapa ratus. Takda space nk saving. Timbul lah rasa menyesal tk saving since sem 1 dulu. Kalau tak dh boleh meminang crush ...

Aku sekarang ni tengah internship aka final sem aka sem 6. Semalam result exam sem 5 dah released. Aku tak mengharap byk, cuma nak lulus semua papers. Syukur, makbul doa tu alhamdulillah. Result paling okay goes to semester 5. Tahniah nesa sbb berjaya pujuk diri. Blerghh *roll eyes* Tu la cabaran bila selama almost 3 tahun kau buat course yg kau tak minat tapi Alhamdulillah course International Business ni so fun to learn sebenarnya. Cuma business, marketing, finance bla bla aren't my scenes. Aku bangga dgn diri aku sebab berjaya lulus dgn jayanya dan naik kan cgpa. Paling happy sebab insyaAllah dapat grad dgn kawan-kawan. Semoga thesis dan viva dan correction thesis berjalan dgn lancar sekali. Aaminn. Cuma tu lah, dalam hati ni kdg-kdg risau sgt. Ada ke orang nak amek aku kerja nanti? Allahu. Takpa. Semoga jumpa tajuk thesis yg mudah dan semoga semuanya mudah utk kami. Aaaminn.

at some point today i was thinking when will all these struggles end, when will i get to do what i wanna do, all these left me at the point where im bewildered by what i wanna do and what is in front of me. all of these pains, will it hold me from moving forward? i dont know anymore. i am being really ignorant these days. day 1 was okay. i used iMac for the first time. wobbly hands. i hope my thesis will go well. ah final year is really freaking me out.

Aku tengah study GBS sambil dgr Ustaz Ebit Lew live. Menarik kuliah dia dkt FB harini. Cerita pasal bantuan Allah dan keyakinan kita pada Allah. Baru tadi masa tolong Ayah basuh pinggan lepas dinner, aku terfikirkan sesuatu. Sesuatu yg aku rasa mcm sebenarnya dah kronik tapi tiada solusi yg di execute. Aku kata dalam hati " mcm mana ye semua ni, something is wrong, there must be something I need to fix this year. But idk where to start. I think I need to get out of this thing, it's dragging me to the flow ". Lepastu just nice je dlm ceramah Ustaz dkt FB Live ni, dia share doa supaya hilang gelisah, malas dan sebagainya etc. Baca setiap pagi petang. dan baca lah selalu : Subhanaka inni zalamtu nafsi faghfir li, innahu la yaghfirudh-dhunuba illa Anta (You are far removed from imperfection I have wronged myself, so forgive me, because none but You can forgive sins) or click me ! Well, Ustaz didnt point out exactly what I should, but he told me what i need. I t...

POST YG PANJANG OK. (hm lama tak tulis mcm ni. lama sgt hew hew hew) ps : tiada travel info yg terlalu byk dlm ni. sikit" tu ada kot. ini bukan travel post. ini post 3am yg malas. It was really a great experience for me sebab aku tak pernah travel ramai-ramai dgn member. So memang meriah dan seronok sangat-sangat! Rindu lah jugak pergi trip tu. Tapi Beijing bukan tempat yang aku nak datang balik. Tak mcm Korea. Entah lah. Aku rasa sebab makanan dia tak best, lepastu dia takda wow factor sangat kot. Korea tu boleh nampak la canggih dia lebih sikit dari Malaysia. Maybe tu yg menarik. Beijing ni aku rasa mcm just nice lah. Alhamdulillah dapat pergi time winter. Walaupun tak merasa snowfall, aku tetap happy dapat rasa sejuk tu. Biasanya sejuk yg tak boleh handle tu time pagi bila dah start touring. Contoh mcm dkt Summer Palace. Time dkt SP ni mmg aku jujur cakap, sejuk nak mamposssss. Pastu baru aku tahu time tu it was around -3dc. Haaa negative kau! Lepastu dkt Great Wall p...

genap seminggu aku akan bertolak ke beijing dgn geng kelas utk study trip. ye, demi memenuhi subject requirements. pegi time winter pulak tu. pertama kali lah aku merasa winter nanti. sampai sana around 1am, di khabarkan suhu time tu -5dc. aku masih tak boleh brain lagi utk berada di bawah suhu beku tu mcm mana. hm. okay je kot. mesti best! dgn kawan-kawan semua. hehe. trip ni akan jd trip yg special utk aku insyaAllah. 1. last trip sebagai pelajar ijazah muda. dont think im gonna do a second degree tho hahaha. 2. ada yg lebih menarik join sekali trip ni. jujurnya, aku tak properly plan lg pakaian dkt sana. aku tgk orang lain mcm fancy je. aku bwk duit pun tk byk ke sana. berazam utk taknak shopping. nak sightseeing je and taste local halal food. dan pertama kali jugak nanti aku akan check in luggage. selama ni tak pernah check in. bawak hand carry je. aduhai excited tu takyah cite lah. winter kot. nasib lah ni bukan first time naik flight. kalau tidak, fuhhhh, tak fokus beb...

to my future other half, im sorry this has to be in English because i am really awkward to write in malay whe  it comes to curhat. ignore the grammar error. to my future other half, tonight i think of you. i kinda miss you. i hope one day i am given the chance to tell this to you. i miss you. here's a thing about missing your future other half. girls are like this. perhaps we think too much. we think and worry about our future other half. i sincerely hope you are doing well, sweetie.  i hope one day god gives me the chance to finally say it to you that i miss you and i love you. its been so long siince i last pronounced my love for a guy. i learn to keep it for you. i am no saint, no relic, no good example, i am just trying to find me, doing better me. to my future other half, my life here is challenging, i hope you send me prayers even though you know not my name cz i send prayers for you though your name is still god's gracious secret. to my future ...

Rindu. Yg Tuhan cipta utk disalurkan pd benda-benda yg mendatangkan kebaikan pd diri. Rindu pd keluarga. Menenangkan. Baik utk diri. Rindu pd peluang melakukan kebaikan. Rindu pd kenangan yg manis. Yg tuhan cipta kan juga utk di salurkan kembali kpdNya. Supaya kaki tak terlalu tertanam pd dunia, hati tidak ditimbus keseronokkannya. Rindu. Yg satu hari nanti aku harap tersalur dgn betul pada masa yg betul, yg di luahkan utk seseorang yg betul. Dan aku harap di sepanjang menunggu saat yg betul tu, dia di jaga tuhan dgn baik sekali.

Berbulu betul telinga aku dgn topik ni. Tapi tu lah, malam ni baru aku tahu cousin aku umur 17 dah nak kahwin. Kakak dia pun, sebaya aku, umur 22. Aku tak faham lah dorang ni semua. Hahahahaha. Yeeee yeeee, I get it, jodoh dorang sampai awal. Tapi ish entah. Aku rasa umur 24 pun masih awal lagi utk kahwin. Mcm byk gila benda aku nak buat sebelum kahwin, apesal dorang ni mcm takda benda nk buat sebelum kahwin? Aku rasa kalau aku list benda aku nak buat before kahwin, mungkin aku kahwin umur 30-40 hahahahaha. Tapi ye lah, aku faham, hidup berteman lagi seronok lah. Seronok ke kalau bergaduh? Hihi tanya je. Bila org kahwin awal, aku salute sebenarnya. Mesti dorang byk benda dh diprepare. Mentally especially. Aku ni against benda ni sbb aku tak pernah rasa lg keperluan nk prepare hahahaha. Cari journal pun terkial-kial, lagi pulak nak cari jodoh. Eh kirim salam lah. Hebat oang yg berani kahwin awal ni. Aku mmg jujur cakap aku tak into this shit. ahahahaha. Serabut. Ha aku b...