BOLD & SEPET

Aku masih lagi struggle melawan diri procrastinate dgn thesis writing. Ada 5 chapter nak kena buat. Aku personally rasa chapter paling sakit is chapter 2 (literature review) and chapter 4 (data analysis). Tbh, aku baru siap 80% siap chapter 1. Padahal first meet dgn advisor was March 17 haritu. Patutnya dah siap sampai chapter 3 sekarang ni. Bayangkan berapa banyak aku procrastinate... Minggu ni baru aku nak catch up balik sebab aku aim sebelum 12 May, siap lengkap chapter 1, 2, questionnaire and intro chapter 3. Aku pun tak faham kenapa lah uitm ni satu kan intern dgn thesis. Kenapa lah tak thesis dulu baru intern. Penat jugak sebenarnya. Tapi bila aku fikir, orang lain boleh siap sampai 3 chapters, siap kena reject 2-3 kali, aku nak bagi alasan apa kan? Semoga by isnin ni aku siap chapter 1 & half chapter 2. Tak boleh jadi betul kau ni anisah. Theoretical framework baru jumpa satu je. Masih tak kukuh. Acano ni? Kata nak grad on time? Maka harus lah aku rapatkan d...

My supervisor told me today that my time will come. The time will come when one day I will have my own paycheck and I will start settling stuffs on my own, the bills, the shopping, the credit card and all. All I had in my mind at time was to be able to shop at IKEA as much as she did today for her rented apartment. I love shopping for that kinda stuffs. I imagine having my own apartment and the privilege to decorate it. Soon the time will come and when it arrives, I hope I'll be just fine. I learnt so much today. God bless my supervisor. May the doors of rahmat be opened for her always, ya Rahman.

It felt horrible to start catching a feeling for someone. For me, it has been 7 years since I last felt like this. Like I am attached to somebody who doesnt even know how I feel and I dont ever intend to tell it yet. Catching a feeling is something, detachment is also another thing. Like I suddenly feel horrible if things didnt end up like fairytales --happily ever after or a good bright future. Such detachment is the worst. Like I already own it but no Im not. Im not even grasping it but I could already feel it but it's not there for real. What lah.....blerghhhh... Catching THIS feeling for someone after 7 years sucks so badly. I once had a crush on someone (it's a different 'someone' btw) that I kept it to myself since 2008. I confessed in 2015. From 2008 to 2015, I never allow myself to be attached to this fella cz I know it will hurt me like hell. Im glad I did and it didnt hurt me so much even after I told him what I feel --Im a smart girl and yes he politely ...

quite a long post tho --------------- I never been on any legit real relationship that lasts for more than a year. When I was with my Johor ex boyfriend, we...oh god, i forgot what happened la siaa hahaha! Only lasted few months je kot. When I was with my wall-climber ex boyfriend, our official declaration only lasted for 2 weeks. We still try to keep it going but we broke up anyway. When I was with my afro-haired ex boyfriend, we lasted for 3 months. When I was with my forensic-officer-to-be ex boyfriend, we lasted 4-5 months. I forgot already. Then, someone catfished me for two years which made me "had a boyfriend" for that period of time, which no, that's not a real relationship. The catfish-er was a girl btw. Nope, she isnt ex boyfriend apparently. Wrong category. Yeap, I checked that. Im straight btw. Hahaha! When I was with my theater-partner ex boyfriend, we lasted 2 months cz we broke up on 14th Feb 2015. Yeap, valentine's day. So yeah, those w...

this is quite a long post tho. Hello everyone! This is me after I finished doing my first tawaf ever.  It was 2am-ish i think hehe so baraiiiii after the 5 hours journey from Madinah. Yeap, quit expecting that I'll be doing how-to post. This post will be about how special this trip was for me. All praise be to Allah for this rezeki. I've always wondered how it feels like to be there (the two holy cities, Mekah and Madinah). I used to look at other people's pictures and thought "haih, how lucky these people are". I used to be in that cohort. I wanted to be there so badly but I thought it was nearly impossible until I secured a job first. But I had it in my heart, I really wanna go there. I whispered from the deepest of my heart and He answered me when Ayah sent a message in the group to choose the date. Flabbergasted indeed! I was preparing myself for Beijing at that time. 3 days left before my classmates and I leave Malaysia and with the news fro...

Now playing - Chasing Cars (by Snow Patrol) I changed my blog layout. To me, this is big. Bold & Sepet has been my diary since 2009 -via different names that seemed to never find a fixed one, haha!. I am not really someone who speak out the grief that I kept inside, but I know it showed on my face bcz Im not good at hiding either. So, blogging is a therapy for me. I discovered the world of blogging when I was 14. It was love at first sight. I used to update frequently and whenever Im mia (it means "missing in action", buddy), my friends (yeah, the real good ones) will know that I'll never left my blog unattended and from this blog also I knew if they still cared. Apparently, I haven't been blogging frequently these days. I just lost the momentum, Idk what happened. It just happened like wth.... ...and tonight, revamping this blog, adding my fav colour (ehem, yellow is a good energy) made me weep tbh. I bawled my eyes bcz it's like flipping a new page...

Aku ni mungkin dah tak sesuai utk blogging. Entah lah, makin malas nk update. Dulu boleh je panjang lebar bercerita. Idk what happened. Yesterday marked the first month of doing internship. Dah dapat advisor, cuma aku belum settle fikir lagi tajuk thesis. Kenapa lah UiTM ni campur aduk thesis dgn internship. Cuba lah susun elok. Betul2 nak kita ni belajar thrive under pressure gamaknya. Supervisor aku tanya aku "where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" Aku tk tau nak jawab apa sebab I havent really choose one. I have like so many plans which ended up not having focus, so no goals achieved. Mcm tamak, semua nak buat tp tak dapat. Mungkin sambung kerja, tp definitely bukan sambung belajar. Itu pasti. Risau jugak aku dgn kos sara hidup dkt KL kemain tingginya. Aku nak beli lunch pun risau. Belum cite nak top up touch n go lagi. Total semua dh berapa ratus. Takda space nk saving. Timbul lah rasa menyesal tk saving since sem 1 dulu. Kalau tak dh boleh meminang crush ...

Aku sekarang ni tengah internship aka final sem aka sem 6. Semalam result exam sem 5 dah released. Aku tak mengharap byk, cuma nak lulus semua papers. Syukur, makbul doa tu alhamdulillah. Result paling okay goes to semester 5. Tahniah nesa sbb berjaya pujuk diri. Blerghh *roll eyes* Tu la cabaran bila selama almost 3 tahun kau buat course yg kau tak minat tapi Alhamdulillah course International Business ni so fun to learn sebenarnya. Cuma business, marketing, finance bla bla aren't my scenes. Aku bangga dgn diri aku sebab berjaya lulus dgn jayanya dan naik kan cgpa. Paling happy sebab insyaAllah dapat grad dgn kawan-kawan. Semoga thesis dan viva dan correction thesis berjalan dgn lancar sekali. Aaminn. Cuma tu lah, dalam hati ni kdg-kdg risau sgt. Ada ke orang nak amek aku kerja nanti? Allahu. Takpa. Semoga jumpa tajuk thesis yg mudah dan semoga semuanya mudah utk kami. Aaaminn.

at some point today i was thinking when will all these struggles end, when will i get to do what i wanna do, all these left me at the point where im bewildered by what i wanna do and what is in front of me. all of these pains, will it hold me from moving forward? i dont know anymore. i am being really ignorant these days. day 1 was okay. i used iMac for the first time. wobbly hands. i hope my thesis will go well. ah final year is really freaking me out.

Aku tengah study GBS sambil dgr Ustaz Ebit Lew live. Menarik kuliah dia dkt FB harini. Cerita pasal bantuan Allah dan keyakinan kita pada Allah. Baru tadi masa tolong Ayah basuh pinggan lepas dinner, aku terfikirkan sesuatu. Sesuatu yg aku rasa mcm sebenarnya dah kronik tapi tiada solusi yg di execute. Aku kata dalam hati " mcm mana ye semua ni, something is wrong, there must be something I need to fix this year. But idk where to start. I think I need to get out of this thing, it's dragging me to the flow ". Lepastu just nice je dlm ceramah Ustaz dkt FB Live ni, dia share doa supaya hilang gelisah, malas dan sebagainya etc. Baca setiap pagi petang. dan baca lah selalu : Subhanaka inni zalamtu nafsi faghfir li, innahu la yaghfirudh-dhunuba illa Anta (You are far removed from imperfection I have wronged myself, so forgive me, because none but You can forgive sins) or click me ! Well, Ustaz didnt point out exactly what I should, but he told me what i need. I t...

POST YG PANJANG OK. (hm lama tak tulis mcm ni. lama sgt hew hew hew) ps : tiada travel info yg terlalu byk dlm ni. sikit" tu ada kot. ini bukan travel post. ini post 3am yg malas. It was really a great experience for me sebab aku tak pernah travel ramai-ramai dgn member. So memang meriah dan seronok sangat-sangat! Rindu lah jugak pergi trip tu. Tapi Beijing bukan tempat yang aku nak datang balik. Tak mcm Korea. Entah lah. Aku rasa sebab makanan dia tak best, lepastu dia takda wow factor sangat kot. Korea tu boleh nampak la canggih dia lebih sikit dari Malaysia. Maybe tu yg menarik. Beijing ni aku rasa mcm just nice lah. Alhamdulillah dapat pergi time winter. Walaupun tak merasa snowfall, aku tetap happy dapat rasa sejuk tu. Biasanya sejuk yg tak boleh handle tu time pagi bila dah start touring. Contoh mcm dkt Summer Palace. Time dkt SP ni mmg aku jujur cakap, sejuk nak mamposssss. Pastu baru aku tahu time tu it was around -3dc. Haaa negative kau! Lepastu dkt Great Wall p...

genap seminggu aku akan bertolak ke beijing dgn geng kelas utk study trip. ye, demi memenuhi subject requirements. pegi time winter pulak tu. pertama kali lah aku merasa winter nanti. sampai sana around 1am, di khabarkan suhu time tu -5dc. aku masih tak boleh brain lagi utk berada di bawah suhu beku tu mcm mana. hm. okay je kot. mesti best! dgn kawan-kawan semua. hehe. trip ni akan jd trip yg special utk aku insyaAllah. 1. last trip sebagai pelajar ijazah muda. dont think im gonna do a second degree tho hahaha. 2. ada yg lebih menarik join sekali trip ni. jujurnya, aku tak properly plan lg pakaian dkt sana. aku tgk orang lain mcm fancy je. aku bwk duit pun tk byk ke sana. berazam utk taknak shopping. nak sightseeing je and taste local halal food. dan pertama kali jugak nanti aku akan check in luggage. selama ni tak pernah check in. bawak hand carry je. aduhai excited tu takyah cite lah. winter kot. nasib lah ni bukan first time naik flight. kalau tidak, fuhhhh, tak fokus beb...

to my future other half, im sorry this has to be in English because i am really awkward to write in malay whe  it comes to curhat. ignore the grammar error. to my future other half, tonight i think of you. i kinda miss you. i hope one day i am given the chance to tell this to you. i miss you. here's a thing about missing your future other half. girls are like this. perhaps we think too much. we think and worry about our future other half. i sincerely hope you are doing well, sweetie.  i hope one day god gives me the chance to finally say it to you that i miss you and i love you. its been so long siince i last pronounced my love for a guy. i learn to keep it for you. i am no saint, no relic, no good example, i am just trying to find me, doing better me. to my future other half, my life here is challenging, i hope you send me prayers even though you know not my name cz i send prayers for you though your name is still god's gracious secret. to my future ...

Rindu. Yg Tuhan cipta utk disalurkan pd benda-benda yg mendatangkan kebaikan pd diri. Rindu pd keluarga. Menenangkan. Baik utk diri. Rindu pd peluang melakukan kebaikan. Rindu pd kenangan yg manis. Yg tuhan cipta kan juga utk di salurkan kembali kpdNya. Supaya kaki tak terlalu tertanam pd dunia, hati tidak ditimbus keseronokkannya. Rindu. Yg satu hari nanti aku harap tersalur dgn betul pada masa yg betul, yg di luahkan utk seseorang yg betul. Dan aku harap di sepanjang menunggu saat yg betul tu, dia di jaga tuhan dgn baik sekali.

Berbulu betul telinga aku dgn topik ni. Tapi tu lah, malam ni baru aku tahu cousin aku umur 17 dah nak kahwin. Kakak dia pun, sebaya aku, umur 22. Aku tak faham lah dorang ni semua. Hahahahaha. Yeeee yeeee, I get it, jodoh dorang sampai awal. Tapi ish entah. Aku rasa umur 24 pun masih awal lagi utk kahwin. Mcm byk gila benda aku nak buat sebelum kahwin, apesal dorang ni mcm takda benda nk buat sebelum kahwin? Aku rasa kalau aku list benda aku nak buat before kahwin, mungkin aku kahwin umur 30-40 hahahahaha. Tapi ye lah, aku faham, hidup berteman lagi seronok lah. Seronok ke kalau bergaduh? Hihi tanya je. Bila org kahwin awal, aku salute sebenarnya. Mesti dorang byk benda dh diprepare. Mentally especially. Aku ni against benda ni sbb aku tak pernah rasa lg keperluan nk prepare hahahaha. Cari journal pun terkial-kial, lagi pulak nak cari jodoh. Eh kirim salam lah. Hebat oang yg berani kahwin awal ni. Aku mmg jujur cakap aku tak into this shit. ahahahaha. Serabut. Ha aku b...

Aku ada masa less than a year utk habis degree. Aku pun tk tahu apabenda nak expect lepastu. Somehow aku tak tahu mana nak pergi with my bachelor degree scroll. Sepuluh kali dah kot aku kata IB bukan pilihan hati aku. Entah lah. Aku harap satu hari nanti aku faham kenapa tuhan letak aku dalam bidang ni. Bukan tak best sgt pun bidang ni. It's soooo fun to learn it, but to be passionate about it is just something I cant foresee. Risau jugak aku kalau tak dapat kerja. Biasa lah kan risau bagai ni. Tapi sebagai pengukuhan karakter, aku selalu bagitahu diri yg penting you just keep going, jujur with your effort, jgn makan jln org lain and be happy. Rezeki is everywhere. Sabar lah aduhai hati. Kau akan jumpa jalan kau nanti. InsyaAllah.

Nak bagi senang paham, calibrate tu mcm adjust bagi betul. Gonna miss this campussss I havent been blogging frequently these days, boleh kata aku lost grip jugak dkt blog ni. Mcm makin terbiar. Malas pun ada. Tp I always have things to share, cuma I dont share these days. Tp nesa being nesa, very expressive and impulsive, so she needs to rant jugak at the end of the day. Too much happened these days. From learning that my opinion didnt matter to some people to realizing that there are people who will back me up no matter how shitty things could be and they can also be the same people who hurt you. Basically, everyone hurts and helps. and fuck yes, I eventually dont care who were nice or shitty. I went for a taklimat about internship today. I felt nothing while my friends are intimidated and nervous. I felt like it was just another thing I have to deal with and tbh, it's kinda tedious. All the process, I mean it. But surely, I'll learn more and that's exciting...

Semester ni aku bawak Baby G ke Melaka, senang jugak lah nak commute ke mana2 dan senang jugak duit aku habis dlm masa seminggu pertama aku bwk Baby G. Oh G stands for green cz that kelisa is green in colour. Idk what to expect for this semester. First week is all fun and games. Classes have started. Homework pun dah dapat. I have lots to arrange like files, workout and so much more. I've been thinking to work on weekends but Idk whether I'll survive or not. Semester ni lah kitaorang pegi Beijing, akhir November nanti. Tbh, Im not really happy cz I heard rumors yg Beijing busuk. Aduh lemah aku. Ni lah cuti panjang yg terakhir aku boleh lepak dkt rumah takda buat apa beb. Next midsem break pegi Beijing, lepastu kelas kelas kelas and then final exam, lepastu break kejap 2 weeks, then internship. Fuh. Dah nak habis siot degree ni. Ah, bosan betul. Aku takda rasa nak blogging these days.

Dalam hidup, nak taknak kau kena ada prinsip. Prinsip ni mcm pendirian kau. Mak kata org yg berjaya, pendirian dia tetap. Prinsip dia teguh. Prinsip ni mcm perkara-perkara yg kau pegang. Cth, Ali punya prinsip hidup adalah pantang menyerah sebelum habis mencuba. Contoh prinsip lah tu. Kalau kau nak ada prinsip, make sure ini semua selesai : - prinsip kau tak harm sesiapa kalau tak leh benefit sesiapa - prinsip kau masih bertuhankan Yang Maha Esa Selain drpd dua ni semua bullshit, selfish af punya prinsip. Prinsip aku zaman degree ni adalah sentiasa jujur dlm meletakkan usaha utk dpt segulung ijazah walaupun apa pun resultnya, sebab berkat dan redha Dia yg akan menyelamatkan aku, bukan sekadar cgpa power. Paham? igt kan aku kalau tetiba aku cheating.

Antara rezeki yg aku rasa aku overlooked adalah keberadaan aku bersama insan-insan yang baik. in other words, dikelilingi orang yg baik-baik. entah. mungkin kau pernah terlintas benda ni dlm otak. bagus. tahniah. tapi harini, aku baru tersedar benda ni, sampai tahap menitis air mata aku. peh pehhh syahdu sgt ni. tapi betul. kdg-kdg Tuhan tak bagi kita berada di mana kita nak atas byk sebab yg hanya Dia tahu dan slowly, Dia akan bagi kita faham kenapa kita ada dkt situ (ps: provided that kau stay positive dan berdoa dan berfikir sebelum menjatuhkan konklusi sendiri). contoh: mungkin 3 tahun aku dkt melaka, aku akan sentiasa bersedih bila terkenang yg IB bukan course yg aku nak, tp kalau aku twist mindset aku mcm skrg ni, aku akan nampak yg sebenarnya rezeki Dia nak bg adalah bila mana aku dikelilingi org yg baik-baik. jadi mungkin di situ, Dia tgh slowly mold aku jd org yg baik walaupun aku masih lg bitching around kdg-kdg. hahahahaha. dan itu semua rezeki. demi Allah, itu reze...