Hari Yg Sedih Utk Aku.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم 

POST INI SUPER PANJANG.
(Kalau nak complain, tekan exit. Jgn ckp aku tak warn)


22 Aug.
Malaysia berkabung utk MH17 dan aku, seperti kalian, depan TV terasa sebak ahli keluarga mangsa.

Berita malam tu mmg meruntun jiwa aku yang konon gagah selama ni. Bukan mengalir air mata, tapi
sekadar bertakungnya air mata lalu dikelip tanpa henti. Lepastu aku tanya sendiri

"mcm mana agaknya kalau ada sesorang yang kita benar sayang pergi dlm keadaan yg so sudden mcm ni?"

Aku question soalan tu pada diri dan aku yakin Allah dengar.



23 Aug.
Hari yg normal. Open houses, satu demi satu. Mula dgn ke rmh jiran sebelah. Kemudian ke rumah kawan ayah di Meru.
Adik-adik masih tak bersiap, jadi kami tunggu dorang siap, Ayah get ready with the car before we're off to Meru.

Aku dlm rmh main ipad, mmg dgr Ayah tgh reverse kereta. Suddenly aku dgr bunyi kucing meow-ing kuat gila. First thought aku was OYEN KENA LANGGAR. Walaupun I wished it wasn’t her. But yes guys, it was her. Serious aku terus lari keluar selaju yg boleh. Gelabah gila seh masa ni.

Mak pun gelabah sama sbb Mak nmpk Oyen lepas kena langgar tu, dia lari celah pasu-pasu.
Ibu Oyen dtg dkt Oyen, meow tanpa henti.Hati aku sayu terox nak mampos beb. (sorry rude)

KAU TAHU APA PERASAN AKU MASA TU?

Seumur hidup, aku tak pernah se-cuak, se-gelabah, se-paranoid, se-berdebar saat dgr Oyen jerit tu.
Serious aku tak pernah rasa.

Ayah bergegas keluar kereta. Aku dgn Mak dah depan pasu, Oyen sembunyi agak ke dlm. Mak pun dah cuak.

"Anis cepat!! Amek Oyen tu! Sakit tu agaknya! Cepattt!!" kata Mak.
"Anis tarik je Oyen, nak angkat sempit ada pasu" kata Ayah.

I did. Aku tarik lembut Oyen. Oyen nmpk sayu. Aku dah rabak seribu beb.
Aku letak dia dkt lantai, masuk dlm rmh amek box.
Sambil Mak Ayah stroke Oyen softly and detect that...
kaki kanan bahagian blkg dia patah sbb ada bunyi krukk krakk.

Oyen was in agony, I know.

Aku mcm tak waras masa tgk Mak Ayah tekan-tekan kaki Oyen tu.

"Tak payah ah buat mcm tu dkt dia! Lg sakit kot, cepat ah jom gi vet" kata aku dlm nada marah. Sigh aku tak pernah se-serabut itu.

Dlm perjalanan, Oyen dkt blkg dgn aku, the boys tak ikut, lembap.

Demi Allah, Demi Allah, aku berkali-kali kata dkt Oyen
"Oyen, tolong jgn mati. Bukan skrg masa nya. Tggu aku dh dkt Melaka kalau kau nak mati.
Please Oyen. Not after your sister Black died when I was holding her, please dont."


Box tu ada lubang bentuk kinda like oval yg muat utk tgn Oyen, 
so Oyen asyik keluar kan tangan dia je from lubang tu.

few days before aug 23, went to the vet with her bcz she refused to eat


Sambil tu dia meow dlm nada yg paling sadis dan tragis aku prnh dgr utk seekor anak kucing.
Nada yang kau tahu Oyen tgh tahan sakit yang melampau.
Nada yang cuba bagitahu aku "Ya Allah sakitnyaaa!!!".
Hati aku ada pada tahap yg paling rabak nak mampos dan aku cuba usap lembut tgn Oyen yg terkeluar sikit dkt lubang tu. Sebak tgk dia dlm dlm box.

 
lubang yg Oyen keluarkan tgn


Pastu aku sedar kepala dia mcm mula gelong.
Kepala goyang sana-sini, langgar dinding box, kiri-kanan, terhentak ke lantai box, kemudian pandang aku...
yup, dgn pandangan yg sgt tragis dan sadis yg prnh aku lihat dari mata satu jasad yg bernyawa.
Dia keep on dgn kepala gelong tu and I had a bad feeling.

Of course setiap yg jadi dkt Oyen tu aku report dkt Mak Ayah dkt seats depan, every freaking detail.
And then aku senyap sbb aku rasa annoying nk report semua benda dlm keadaan mcm ni.
Lg bagi keadaan intense. Masa tu aku wish aku dlm ambulans yg blh elak traffic jammed.

Dlm traffic jammed tu, aku mmg tak lari mata dr pndg Oyen. Tapi masa tu lah Allah uji aku lagi.


Tiba-tiba, keluar darah dari mulut Oyen..

Traffic masih tak bergerak.

"MAK AYAH! ADA DARAH KELUAR DR MULUT OYEN!!!!"

Mak Ayah terus pndg blkg, usap Oyen regardless the stupid traffic.
Pastu kembali traffic normal, heart beat aku je tak normal masa tu. Darah kot.
Aku cuba tenang, paling kan muka keluar, keadaan dlm kereta senyap
dan kami harap kami sempat sampai vet dkt Seksyen 13 (vet dkt rmh tutup, erghhh).


Oyen baring lemah, darah mengalir dari mulut dia.
Dlm kesenyapan tu, Mak ttba tanya...

"mcm mana Oyen?"

"Mak, mcm dh nak mati je"

I freaking don't know where I got the freaking strength
to utter such sentence in such intense situation!!! Erghh.

Aku tolak box ke depan sikit so that Mak Ayah nmpk.
Aku tgk Oyen yg terbaring, mulut dia gerak mcm gasping for air,
mcm nak meow tapi tak kesampaian, dia kaku cuma mulut nganga but gerak sikit.

Kebetulan tgh traffic light,
Mak Ayah terus pandang blkg, tgk Oyen..
Aku belai oyen...

...dan tanpa kami sangka, it was the last soft stroke for her.
The very last one, guys.


"MAK AYAH, OYEN DAH MATI!!!!!!!"

"Ya Allah, bang..." said Mak.
"Allah.. Oyen" said Ayah.

Mak's voice trembled, her eyes moist, Ayah turned red and sighed.


I?
I...

I was the witness who saw her last agony. I saw how she was dying.
I saw her when she looked me in the eyes,
as if to tell me that those were the final seconds that I could spend with her.
I touched her tiny little hand as she tried to get out from the box.
I stroke her head so soft that I never could imagine myself being that tender to a creature.
I was the one who whisper to her "please jgn mati skrg" and she left me just like Black did last Ramadhan.

I lost my words. I felt sick. I felt weak.
I couldn't feel the same hand that stroke Oyen, as if it had left me and followed Oyen.
My heart broke, guys. My eyes pooled. I wanted to cry so badly, I wanted to cry on someone shoulder. I wanted to scream!!! But, all I did was sighing and kept blinking my eyes, holding back my tears and let the wind sooth me.

Mak was already in tears. Saw Ayah kept blinking his eyes, I knew he felt worst. Silence seeped in.
I felt terrible as I saw both Mak and Ayah like that. I saw Mak’s reflection on the mirror. My heart broke more than it has been before.

Her face reddened while she wiped her tears.
It has been 4 years since I last time saw her crying upon Nenek’s demise.
But Mak was more composed then compared to this day.
Oyen was her tukang teman tgk tv,  amek adik, masak etc.
She teased Oyen with lidi everyday and enjoyed when Oyen is hyperactive.
She talked to Oyen as if Oyen is like me –her own child.
My heart broke millions times seeing her wiping her tears again and again.


I?
I have never tried that hard to hold back my tears as that moment… never in my entire life.
Allahurabbi.. Allahurabbi… the pain in my chest out of the sadness is really surrounding me at that time. I looked at Oyen, who had left us and say..

“it was your turn, Oyen… rehat lah puas-puas dkt sana okay? Send my regards to them in heaven” …and I looked away, couldn’t stand the pain after the sentence. The intense sorrow filled me. Tried to hold back my tears.

Silence surrounded us in the car… again. Dead silence.
As we drifted to the vet, I clutched to Allah for my further strength.

We arrived at the vet, Mak freaking quickly get out of the car even before the engine stopped. I was behind her, with the box carrying Oyen in my hand. Quickly said it was an emergency and can we meet the doctor asap for consultation. People in the vet were staring at us in shock as they take a look at Oyen and her blood all over the paper we placed beneath her.

Mak wanted to cry again, I knew. I managed to slightly stay composed with all the stares and attention, esp when they asked what happened. I smiled to the people. Bitter than ever.

We get into the room. The doctor softly took Oyen out from the box, placed her on the metal island. Her dead body was stale, didn’t moved a bit.

The doctor checked her, tried to give few pushes to her heart, reaching for her heartbeat but to no avail. He explained what might possibly happened after the incident. We nodded. He checked Oyen again and…

“mmg dia dah takda ni…”. I saw the doctor sighed, his eyes kept blinking. He looked up to us and I felt the surge of pain in my chest again, the sadness seeped in me. Mak turned to Ayah and cried to his chest, then she looked at me. I smiled bitterly to her.

Hands before my lips, not believing what was happening. Kept blinking my eyes because I knew I was about to burst into tears. But then I smiled at the doctor with tears which have not yet rolled upon my cheeks.

When the door was opened, I saw people stared at me and the box. I smile bitterly to them, blinking my eyes. I knew it was apparent on my face that I was holding back my tears. The people were speechless and looked at Oyen again and as cats keepers, I know they understand what I feel. It was mutual. They were speechless too and I just couldn’t looked at their eyes. Let them stroke Oyen for the last time and thanked everyone.

We left and had Oyen buried just beside the pasu she was hiding at earlier. I stood still as I watched my parents handled Oyen. Mak placed Ibu Oyen next to Oyen and say..

“tengok ni, anak kau dah takda”.

Oyen left my sight but I was still there, looking at the ground.
Speechless..
no more Oyen after this.


Oyen in memories :(
My tears didn’t roll upon my cheek until I was in my last sujud for Asar prayer, right after Oyen was buried. It was so sudden. All I realized was my tears were rolling on my cheeks. Wiped my tears, said my prayers and I sat alone reminiscing Oyen.

Oyen.. kenapa sekarang? Kenapa kena pergi masa aku tgh pgg kau? Kenapa kena pergi masa aku belajar utk jadi ihsan pada ciptaanNya yg lain which is kau? Sapa nak ajar aku ihsan lepas kau takda ni, Oyen? Sapa nak ajar aku jd less kedekut? Sapa?

Aku tahan air mata and sakit dkt dada.

Kemudian aku tersedar, Allah baru je jawab persoalan aku earlier.

 Ini lah, perasaan bila sesorang yang kita benar sayang pergi dlm keadaan yg so sudden. Ini lah, perasaan bila kau langsung tak mampu lawan takdir dan ajal seseorang yg kau benar saying. Ini perasaan kehilangan seseorang bila dia pergi di jemput Dia.

Ini perasaannya yg aku persoalkan earlier.

Allahurabbi. Benar, Allah Maha Mendengar setiap yg terlintas di hati kita. Semua benda yang kita ada dalam hidup, samada ia datang pada kita atau kita cari, adalah milik Allah. Keluarga, rezeki, jodoh dan ajal antaranya. Byk yg aku belajar daripada Oyen dan her other sisters before.

If you know me since I was a toddler, you would know that I hate cats. Dulu pernah kena cakar sekali lepastu aku terus cuak bila kucing dtg dkt. Setakat nak stroke gently okay la, tapi nak dukung ke apa, no way. 

Adanya Oyen dkt rumah mengajar aku erti sayang dan berlembut sikit. Oyen datang lepas aku develop rasa serabut dgn budak kecik esp yg bising memekak. Mungkin ini cara Allah melembutkan aku. I learn to treat Oyen better but still tak suka budak. 

Most importatnt actually, Oyen and her family taught me how to give more. Aku cuba beli makanan kucing dlm packet kecil and bawak dlm bag so that bila ada stray cats lapar, aku boleh bagi. Selain Adam, Oyen and her family also taught me that setiap rezeki, be it duit ke kesenangan ke happiness ke talent ke, bukan sesekali hak mutlak kita. Tu semua Allah punya. Kita ada tanggungjawab utk share. Dgn syarat, diri sendiri jgn lupa.

Setiap kali dpt rezeki, contoh duit, bahagi kan satu portion utk bg orang atau spend dkt animal dan anggap tu sebagai sedekah amal jariah. In sha Allah, hati lg rasa tenang. Kalau kau memberi tapi hati tak tenang, there's something wrong, beb. Fikir balik.

Terima kasih, Oyen. I'd like to believe that she's in heaven now. Perhaps dgn Rasulullah sbb Baginda SAW kan suka kucing. Aaaminnn.

Kdg-kdg, Allah paksa kita hadap benda kita tak suka and eventually benda tu bagi hikmah dkt hidup kita. It is just a matter of time utk tunggu hikmah tu muncul. The same thing goes to hidayah

 Thanks fr reading guys, I don't feel like ranting this to anyone via whatsapp ke call ke, so I wrote it here to feel better. Allah bless who reads this for you have made ease of my tough day :)


Sorry for any typo or ayat bersepah.
Have a nice day!

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